For You

You call me your Sunshine,
The one who brings you a happiness no other has matched.
But I can’t see why I am a Sunshine.
I don’t glow, I don’t give warmth.
No, in my eyes, I am a Rain cloud
However in yours, you paint me as another.

And so you hold me
In the dark of night.
Your embrace is one of a lover’s tender touch
Full of honesty and passion.
I savor its' feeling, and I never want to let go.

But when we break away,
I don’t feel broken anymore
No, I feel closer to the sunshine you claimed me as
And when I leave,
I know I will shine,
For I will shine for you.






~this is my first poem, and piece of literature I've done on Young Writers Society
Any feed back is really appreciated
Thank you for reading!

-Ollie

ollie, that was beautiful! i almost cried, no joke! there were some parts tht could have been reworded heres some feedback (you dont really have 2 listen 2 me if u dont want 2 there just suggestions)

I feel closer to the Sunshine you claimed me as.

it might flow better if its reworded like uh...
here:
i now believe that i am the sunshine you claimed me as.
(ok so thts not exactly rewording...dont hate me pleese im just trying 2 help:) )
o and end the lines with commas instead of periods until youve typed a complete stanza then period.
Other than that i absoulutly luve it!!!!!
♥ emoticon220

That was beautifull Very very impressive for a first poem, i'm pretty sure my first one was an epic fail. I think i would like to see it a bit longer and you mayb explore the topic of what the person does to be viewed as the "sunshine". There isnt much harsh critisim that could be given to that.

Alright! Yep yep, thank you! ^.^ I really appreciate your critique and such- so thank you!

Hey, Ollie! This was beautiful. I really liked it. I think a lot of people can relate to not feeling good enough for the person you love. Keep writing! I am sure that June and Snoink will give better reviews than me!

Good luck,

Kate

Haha, yes! I second the very good for the first poem bit.

One thing I love to see in poetry is lots of metaphors and stuff... it's kind of like my obsession with anything that sparkles. You see, metaphors are totally catchy and everything. Use a metaphor correctly, and it'll catch all the light and throw it around so the light dances. Now, your metaphor that you use is that the narrator (known as you!) is called sunshine. Which means, figuratively, she is sunshine.

Now, here's where your poem becomes more story-like than poetic. You see, stories are largely confined in what is logical and makes sense, whereas poetry is as crazy as you can make it. So, because you're probably used to stories, you figured that you had to explain that the label sunshine was not appropriate, that the narrator couldn't see how it fit, etc., etc. However, with poetry, you don't have to explain all that stuff. What you do instead is that once you create the first image (which is someone being sunshine) and you go bonkers with it and show how that person is like the sunlight. So, instead of explaining about her thinking that she isn't sunshine, she could:

- Laugh, touch his hands with her cold hands and say that if she were a ray of sunshine, how can she be so cold?

- Consider a little photon (sorry, physics geek here!) bouncing around, lost in the universe and wonder if that is what he meant.

- Do something else.

So basically, once you start with one image, you should continue the lovely stream of imagery with more imagery so that, when you are finished with the poem, you're left with a vivid image of having just seen the universe crack open. If that makes sense.

Yeah... if you couldn't already tell, poetry is crazy stuff, lol. Don't be afraid to use all your creativity with it. It's really hard to write, but a good poem can totally knock people away. It's awesome to see you write poetry.

Good luck with your poetry career!

A little repetitive with the "shine" though this poem was the most that reached out to me today. It drew a greatly detailed image in my head of what you are trying to state.
Overall, the poem appealed to me.

I like this poem a lot. My name's dianne by the way. I love the metaphors you used to describe what people saw the speaker as and what the speaker saw herself as. Such a good case distinguishing between self image and self esteem.

Your embrace is one of a lover’s tender touch

Favorite line! I don't know why, but this line appealed to me more than any other line. Maybe because of the alliteration in "tender touch"? I don't know, but I loved it.
This is a great poem. Happy writing.
-dianne

One thing I like is this:

However in yours, you paint me as another.

What I like is that you don't use the seeing and you use paint, a show rather than a tell =].
One thing I don't like is that it is sort of cliche in the sense that "Oh, you make me so happy, you see me like a great person, where as, I do not" sort of cliche. I did like the first stanza, It was sort of origional and It was my favorite.

I wish i had more to say. Keep writing.

Hello, Ollie!

Very nice poem! To tell the truth, I can't find anything wrong with it. It's quite a nice and interesting poem. I'd have to say the last stanza is my favorite, though I don't know why.


Anyways, Good luck and PM me if you ever need any critiques!

~Firearris