Happiness

Happiness
.
.
Happiness runs on bare feet,
Dances, twirls just out of reach.
She won't heed your call, can't feel your touch.
She draws only to those who will beseech
Nothing of her, and nothing of you,
But, of course, welcoming each.
.
.
.
.
So there it is. Edited.. not much though hope you liked it =)

-ash

Hi Ash,

First I'm going to talk about what you have here, and then I'm going to make suggestions for a possible rewrite.

I think this flows nicely, and I don't think the third line is too long.It looks slightly longer on the screen/page but if you read it aloud I think it fits in quite nicely.I'd change "bared" to "bare", as this seems to be a typo. I think " will beseach" sounds a little forced, and usually it's used in terms of "I beseach her to/not to" or, "I beseech you, do/don't" rather than beseeching something of someone. Also, it should be "beseech". Try using the "check spelling" button before you submit, it's very helpful. Though "beseech" doesn't quite fit in with the language you're using, so maybe try for something simpler. I think the last line contradicts what you've been saying in precious lines, as she ignores people and goes unbidden to those who ask nothing of her, which is contrary to the notion that she welcomes everyone.

Now for the rewrite! For one draft I think it would be interesting to expand on this idea, to follow the personified emotion for longer. Then as an exercise it might be interesting firstly to depict the personified emotion as a character without naming it, and also, in another draft, to focus on the specifics of happiness-like maybe try relating an instance/experience which made/makes you happy without directly mentioning that you were/are happy.

Hope this helps.

Jas

Thanks for the review, it helped alot, and I'm going to try and edit it with your suggestions.

But on the last line, I was trying to say that the person was in no pursuit of happiness or anyone else, but if they came to him, he wouldn't turn them away. I've edited the last line, and I hope it makes sense. =P

I'll come back when I have more time, and fix the rest =)

-ash

It took a second to get the last line.
But i realized they welcomed each other while thinking naught of each other... nice.
I like it, and I agree a little about the beseech above. I found it out-of-place in a charming manner, not a jarring one.

Though it seems to me that everything from Beauty to Peace to Love runs on bare feet,
but I digress.
great job. *stars*
keep rhyming,
empress

Eek! The first three lines are full of awesome. I love the way how you make happiness dance... it's very pretty! So a star for you!

The main thing is that the next three lines are a little boring... it seems like you're too busy trying to stick to a form and not thinking about making the poem dance with bare feet... if that makes sense. So don't be afraid to go crazy with your awesome creative powers and to add more things to the poem to make it dance all the way to the end. If you have to, forget about format and rhyme--format and rhyme is over-rated anyway! The main thing is, you have to make it pretty.

Hope that helps!