Music

Music creates an inner delightment,
An engraved impression on our hearts,
A joy, a treasure that God sent,
And so the journey starts.

People from far and wide,
Are united all as one,
It brings forth golden memories,
Of times spent short and long.

And so the session begins,
With a smile and a grin,
A special moment shared with others,
That revives the soul within.

We play to the Rhythm,
We keep to the beat,
We hum to the melody,
While tapping our feet.

It’s a pleasurable feeling,
That cannot be described in words,
With a very deep meaning,
That carries you high above this world.

Hey DreamBeliever! My name is Jared, and I'll be your reviewer today.

Just a warning: I see you're new to the site. Why don't you make a post in the Welcome forum? Also, there is a 2:1 ratio on how many pieces you can post. Uh. Like, you have to critique 2 things before you can post 1 of your poems or stories.

Just so you know.

I'm a musician as well, and I get what you're talking about. I love playing music because it takes me from the world to another place in my head where everything is good and perfect. You have the right idea with this poem--I get a happy feeling when I read this. I feel all good and warm by the end of it.

While you still have the right idea, it's not perfect. I think that there a few commas up there that can go. The best way to edit poetry, or anything, really, is to read it out loud. I do that with all my stories so that I can catch all my missteaks and, wrong com,ma placement,s. I like the fourth stanza a lot, because it has a strong beat in it, but I don't understand why you capitalized the "R" on Rhythm. If that's just another missteak, than you can easily fix it.

You're a really good writer, Dream, and you can improve in no time! Keep writing like this and you can go far!

-Jared

Hey Dreambeliever ^^ Shina here for a review

Music creates an inner delightment,
An engraved impression on our hearts,

Semi-colon, not a comma.
--------------

Dream, I understand what you're trying to say about music, but that's just it. You're saying it. We need some imagery! And your rhyme scheme is eating up this poem @_@ Don't choose words for rhyme. Choose them for meaning.

Also working on showing instead of telling and with imagery.

Telling: The boy played is fire-red Stratocaster real awesome.

Showing: The boy held his guitar like a lover, caressing his fingers across the silver strings.

Not such a hot example, but you get the idea ^^

-Shina

　　　　Ｈｉｙａ！　Ｉ’ｍ　ｇｏｎｎａ　ｈｅｌｐ　ｙｏｕ　ｈｅｒｅ．　Ｉ　ｆｏｎｄ　ｔｗｏ　ｔｈｉｎｇｓ　ｔｏ　ｉｍｐｒｏｖｅ　ｙｏｕｒ　ｂｅａｕｔｉｆｕｌ　ａｎｄ　ｉｎｓｐｉｒｉｎｇ　ｐｏｅｍ．

　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　We play to the Rhythm,

　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　We keep to the beat,

　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　We hum to the melody,

　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　While tapping our feet.

　　　Ｉｎ　ｔｈｉｓ　ｓｅｃｔｉｏｎ，　ｙｏｕ　ｃａｐｉｔａｌｉｚｅｄ　ｔｈｅ　’ｒ’　ｉｎ　ｒｈｙｔｈｍ．　Ｓｉｎｃｅ　ｉｔ’ｓ　ｎｏｔ　ａ　ｎａｍｅ　ｏｆ　ａｎｙ　ｋｉｎｄ－　ｉｔ’ｓ　ｓｏｕｌｄ　ｎｏｔ　ｂｅ　ｃａｐｉｔｔａｌｉｚｅｄ．　Ｂｕｔ　Ｉ　ｕｎｓｔａｎｄ　ｉｆ　Ｉｔ’ｓ　ａ　ｍｉｓｔａｋｅ．　：）　
　　　Ｉ　ａｌｓｏ　ｗａｎｔ　ｔｏ　ｓｕｇｇｅｓｔ　ｔｏ　ａｄｄ　ｓｏｍｅ　ｂｉｇｇｅｒ　ＶＯＣ．　ｔｏ　ｉｍｐｒｅｓｓ　ｐｅｏｐｌｅ．　Ｂｕｔ　ｏｔｈｅｒｗｉｓｅ，　Ｉｔ　ｗｓ　ａ　ｗｏｎｄｅｒｆｕｌ　ｐｏｅｍ．　Ｉｆ　ｙｏｕ　ｆｏｌｌｏｗ　ｔｈｅｓｅ　ｓｔｅｐｓ，　Ｉ　ｂｅｌｉｅｖｅ　ｙｏｕ　ｗｉｌｌ　ｂｅ　ａ　ｐｒｏ．　Ｔｈａｔ’ｓ　ｗｈａｔ　ｗｅ’ｒｅ　ｈｅｒｅ　ｆｏｒ．　Ｔｏ　ｂｅｃｏｍｅ　ａ　ｐｒｏ　ａｔ　ｗｒｉｔｉｎｇ．　：）

Hello I am also a musician


First of all I love the way you set out each stanza, very well done.

I like the fact that you explain in the first verse, and I esspecially like the last line of the first verse. Setting the scene for the journey.

Verse two, could be expanded more, explain about different cultures, genres, and festivals, as well as the fact that they all club together to perform MUSIC.
But I like the fact that you say it unites us all, because it keeps it on that positive note again


Verse three is like a recital or something, beginning, sharing what you can do with the world, I like that, but I don't know whether you need the

with a smile and a grin

because thats not really saying much, because we already know that the tempo is happy,

Verse 4 is a roundoff, I like it because it explains the end, what music brings, but I don't know whether you need to say something else, like all those who don't like music why? because, it's maybe ust a bit lke the first verse but in different words.



But overall very good. as I see where your heading, this piece will go far

hey "dreamer", dogs here

I really really liked this poem. and i defnitly agree with the message. i would like to go on about the harp but that not why i am here right now.

like what stella said you need to have a strong image!!! perhaps like something like light or something. the other thing i would like to say is that it dosn't flow so well.

I also strongly suggest that you pay very close attention to the other reviews. they are all extremly important. best of luck to you!!!!!!! =D