Fireflies

Remember the time
we watched the fireflies?
On the white porch swing
before summer's amber skies?

Fingers shyly twined
'round one another,
we gazed at the soft, stirring light,
as breezes gently brushed each other.

Please, take me back
to all those blissful nights
spent stealing out the window,
and all our midnight flights.

Can't we go back-
back to that one day
spent lying side by side,
before our love ran away?

Now, we only fight;
give blame and point our fingers.
The old passion's almost gone-
Won't you save the last bit that lingers?

Take my hand now,
and lead me past my cries,
past your angry words.
Let's sit and watch the fireflies.

EDITED tell me what ya think!

Hi!

My name is Sami, I'm new here but I want to help you with your poem by reviewing it .

Overall, I love the thought behind your poem, it's nice and quite romantic!

The first stanza is fine until the last line, where the alliteration is strong. I personally don't like the word "sighs" and would perhaps suggest you replace it with something such as "summer's soft light". It's still a nice image either way, it just seemed to not work for me as well though.

I would change the "wanna" in stanza two, to "I want to go back". Apart from that, stanza two is fine. I would maybe recommend a change to the line "back before we had our fights". Maybe you could just say "Before we had our fights" and maybe add a descriptive word to describe the fights.

I noticed that you repeat the word "back" a lot, which makes sense because you want to go back to a better time, but I think it makes the poem flow less easily and that is what needs to be addressed in Stanza 3. The first two lines of Stanza 3 are basically the same as the first two lines of Stanza, although the repetition enforces your point, I feel you could say the same thing in a different way. Also, the last line of Stanza 3 is a little strange, "darkened flights", I'm not sure what you are trying to describe here? I feel you should leave the "darkened" words for the descriptions of the now, rather than the before.

The last stanza is okay. Though I find the "lead me past my cries" line a little strange, perhaps you could make it more about the two of you than getting past your own tears.

Apart from that, the stanza is fine and with a few simple edits, the poem should sparkle!
Well Done!
Sami
=]

Great work there.However it did have places on which improvement was possible

Some more information should be given about the narrator and the friend and, the time they spent togethter.

As regards these lines:
Take my hand now,

and lead me past my cries,

past your angry words.

Let's sit and watch the fireflies


Just provide some clue for the friend's angry words and what caused tension between two good friends.

Overall, the poem has a good effect.

Hello! I'm new, and I'm not the best at giving reviews yet, but I'd like to try and help you out by offering up my thoughts on this piece.

Overall impression: Well done! Props to break~my~heart on a very enjoyable read!

There are just a few comments I'd like to make about a few things that I noticed while I was reaading through it:

First of all, I liked the first stanza, but as paperdollx said, I believe that you could find a better word to use instead of "sighs."

Hello! I'm new, and I'm not the best at giving reviews yet, but I'd like to try and help you out by offering up my thoughts on this piece.

Overall impression: Well done! Props to break~my~heart on a very enjoyable read!

There are just a few comments I'd like to make about a few things that I noticed while I was reaading through it:

First of all, I liked the first stanza, but as paperdollx said, I believe that you could find a better word to use instead of "sighs." Sure, it rhymes, but maybe you could come up with something better that better fits with "summer?"

Third stanza: Okay, we get that you want to go back, but the first two lines are almost identical to the first two lines of the second stanza. The beautiful thing about beginning a new stanza is that you get to tell us something that we haven't already heard, or give something to us in a different way. Why not change those two lines to put what you're trying to say in a different way? By re-writing them, you could maintain the same effect of wanting to go back, but keep the flow moving forward, rather than having the readers feel like they've been caught in a sudden flash-back to what they've just read. Perhaps you could use "return" instead of "go back," or maybe you could give us a description of "all of those nights" that you want to get back to? What were those nights like, spent stealing out the window? Were they beautiful? Were they magical? ...Just a few of my thoughts, but you decide what you think works best for the stanza.

Other than those few nit-pics, I loved this poem! I thought it was beautiful, and definitely worth the time to read! Keep the writing coming!

Kayleigh

hey "break my heart" dogs here

I loved reading your poem and it really sounds great. i can't find any spelling errors or any errors for that matter

Overall this is a great piece my favorite stanza is the third stanza. it flows so nicely and i really got what you were saying. this is one of my favorite poems that i have read and i think you should keep up the good work =) =D

Hello! Firstly, sorry if I say anything which is repeating anyone else; reading other people's reviews deterrs me if they've already said what I was thinking.

The first stanza is a good, strong opening and I would like to see a bit more imagery here and throughout the poem - about that night, what was the weather like, what were the fireflies doing, and how did you feel?

Replace "wanna" with "want to", I think wanna sounds too casual here, it doesn't sound right. Also, think about rewording this or replacing it with something else "Please, let's go back-/back to all those nights", as it starts to get a little repetitive.

I like the last stanza and how you wrapped it all up at the end, going back to the fireflies. I just think it needs more description, something to make it a little less generic - who are you talking to, what did you fought about? Not too much description, just a little more information to make it more personal to you. And more firefly night imagery!

Oh, and I forgot to say:

Thank you, everyone!!

-ash

Hey! I like that you've added more imagery to this. One thing I would change is "hurry, save the last bit that lingers!" to make it sound a little less...dramatic, I suppose. Maybe just by taking the exclaimation mark out, or just rewording the beginning of that line somehow. Apart from that, nively done!