Day by Day

(note:under construction)

angels-symphony wrote:[s]I said I would [/s]protect you.
[s]I said I would [/s]guard you.
[s]I said I would [/s]defend you.
[s]I said I would [/s]watch over you…no matter what it took.

Just replace those repetitions with something-anything. I'm really

angels-symphony wrote:I’d have to be able to fight against[s],[/s]
Rogues, ogres, and other sorts of danger
That you somehow find your way into.

This stanza is just useless information so I suggest you delete it.

angels-symphony wrote:[s]Not to mention,[/s] I’d have to be able to keep up with your,
Running, swift movement, and wild imagination.
I’d have to be kind to you, to be gentle with my princess.
That’s what you are, [s]aren’t you?[/s]

Oh, why are you using those narrative forms? This is lyric poetry, this shouldn't be here. And no questions, please. You are not asking in poem(well you are...sometimes, but not now), you are answering, you are saying!

angels-symphony wrote:[s]How do you protect a princess?
More importantly, who protects a princess.[/s]
Surely not the narrow-framed,
Pathetic little boy I was the day I swore.

First, the question again doesn't fit in the concept of the poem and second-in second verse it should be a question mark in the end.

angels-symphony wrote:Struggling, always struggling.
That was me…For you.

Okay, we get that, tell us now what are you exactly doing except struggling. With this stanza you're breaking the whole poem, do not write in different stanzas if you want the poem to flow well.

angels-symphony wrote:“You’ll never be good enough like this.
Get stronger, become quicker.
Always put Her before yourself.
It doesn’t matter if your fingers bleed,
Or that your body is sore from overworking.
No one will ever care about your stinging wounds,
Or about those broken bones that pain you
if you never find someone.

This is quite refreshing-of all stanzas, this is the best so far. Actually, the only good one.

angels-symphony wrote:You need to work for everything in life.
What’s the point of living
If you have no one to live for?
What’s so great about immortality
If you’ll be alone the whole time?”

...and we're back to the usual crap. Life this, life that. But I got to admit - it's a nice stanza, but a little clichéd.

angels-symphony wrote:I could hear the echoes of your muffled sorrow,
But still, you wiped your tears,
And faced me with a smile.

WOW!!! Now we're getting somewhere. This is fantastic, absolutely brilliant.

angels-symphony wrote:I admired your willpower,
Your optimism.
But I didn’t want you to do it all alone,
I wanted to help you.

I suggest you put a comma between the second and the third verse. The sentences (or even verses) aren't so good when they start with a conjunction.

angels-symphony wrote:I set my mind on saving you,
On protecting that smile,
The one that shines brighter
Than ten suns.

Why ten?! The only number that comes to my mind is thousand. Ten doesn't mean anything- it's a small number, but nevertheless, I wouldn't put numbers in my poem-they always ruin the atmosphere.

angels-symphony wrote:Like a flower you are.
Glorious, brilliant, beautiful.

"Like a flower you are:
glorious,..."

angels-symphony wrote:You’re an unpredictable one, you know?

Sucks.

-1st problem: the stanzas- you will put those lines together or delete it. I mean, those lines that look like some crazy, one-verse stanzas.
-2nd: narrative thingies: move them to another poem, just don't keep them here, please.
-3rd: I'm getting tired, best of luck with your poem.