Theme is great. and wow you are a talented wordsmith: your manipulation of the language and gymnastics with the pen is quite incredible.
but...
I think you may have overdone it a bit here. The first stanza is great, no qualms there, but I believe that you wrote this on impulse before you thought about the rest of the poem... am I right??
I have this problem a lot. I think you wrote the start, loved it (as you should - its excellent) and then tried to continue it, keeping the same, extremely rigid, rhyme scheme. Five lines that rhyme is incredibly tough: sustaining a more complex theme as u go is nigh on imposssible. Like it definitely worked in places: the last stanza was better, although a barbie metaphor doesn't fit the shakespearean feel!! But when you are forced to use fain and deign and behest etc as synonyms for far simpler words to make it rhyme... u tend to lose a bit of impact.
Don't get me wrong, its still good, but simplicity is a proven winner that could be implemented here to eke out a little improvement.
I'm a big picture person.... Terrible nit-picker... I think Ill leave that side to someone else.
Keep experimenting with how you write... I look forward to the results..
I should have been a pair of ragged claws
Scuttling across the floors of silent seas. . . . . .
Lovable and foolish at the same time...
You have a great sense for words...you're like Shakespeare-totally. But this rhyming scheme is to difficult to master. Really, it all seems so forced and I didn't have any strength for trying to understand. The first stanza is all right though. I like this experimenting with poems (construction, words, rhyme...). I also use that kind of rhyme, but only in last stanza when I try to speak up about something and it's usually some faster rhythm... I noticed that you also have too many rhymes in the same sentence or verse. What's the point of that? This isn't a competition... lay down and think, relax, enjoy...
Two lines that have too many syllables, though:
through [s]such[/s] foul straits, through heartbreak's stain the silence [s]comes,[/s] wraps o'er my pen; Suggestions, of course, feel free to ignore, but I do think they'd help the flow.
I'm so jealous of your word-weaving and vocabulary skills. I think this was wonderful. I said that already. I like this rhyme scheme; it conveys that wild, excited feel that goes with flying (your bird metaphor) and with a new love, or whatever. And it could easily be forced, eg you using lesser-known words, but you keep that style throughout the poem, so I think it works.
I'm not sure why you have the twain in the middle of the last line of the second-to-last stanza. I don't like it, and I'm not particularly sure why, except that it just doesn't seem right. I'm sorry that's so vague.
Great job, Hannah! Love <3 Mars
'life tastes sweeter when it's wrapped in poetry' -the wombats
This is amazing and it seems as though everybody else has already commenting on whatever it would be that I would say needs improvement (which is hardly anything). Lovely poem, enjoyed it times ten! Great work!
- - No one is free while others are oppressed - -
Gandhi.
I have to disagree with all but the last two comments--this is absolute brilliance. I do so adore the strict, rigid rhyme scheme--it helps the words to flow off the tongue with such an ease that one can take the meaning while savoring the rhythm simultaneously. You've really made me want to write something in the same style, which is the deciding factor of a good poem, to me: when I want to write my own stanzas for it.
I also must disagree--quite vehemently--with the assertion that simplicity is better. I say, write a poem as it is supposed to be written. Whether that be verbally complex or rhythmically simple, there are situations to which each both ascribe, and it especially depends on the person. What you are trying to convey in this pom is, I think, absolutely wonderfully represented by the style which you put it in. One should almost never simplify their writing for a reader, I feel. Of course, no matter how simple you get, there will be a reader incapable of grasping certain concepts or vocabulary within. At the end of the day, use what comes from your mind and let it be. I have an absolutely dreadful time reading most structureless, free-form poetry, because it makes me focus more on piecing the choppiness together than on the content. This is why I write, and absolutely love to read, highly structured poetry, and why I absolutely love this piece.
it does definitely give me quite the epic feel when i read it! i love it! it's also incredibly fun to read out loud, and that's really one of the things that a lot of people tend to forget when writing a poem (as far as i noticed...). sure, you write it for the meaning, but the sound of it makes a huge difference, gives more passion and understanding to the reader. the story itself is woven quite nicely into the poem itself, and i just thinks it's wonderful.
'Whom are you?' he asked, for he had attended business college.
- George Ade
Those who dream by day are cognizant of many things which escape those who dream only by night.
- Edgar Allan Poe
Wow! This is one piece that blew me away. I love the rich Shakespearean language and the poem's structure. As most of everyone had said above, this was brilliantly written. Besides the great wording, you managed to convey such strong emotions in this poem, and it is one of the reasons why I was blown away. Although I felt it was a bit overdone and over-dramatic at some parts, still thought that you did very well. You started with a stanza, and ended it as dramatically as the rest.
Overall, great piece of work. I'm definitely looking towards more!
Keep it up!
