Heart Break

Sunrise

I noticed a sparkle of purest golden beauty
as sweet as the first sunrise.
I was lost on an endless adventure.
Climbing your lips and swimming your hair.
Eyes of the deep green forest I would travel.

Those eyes stole my heart.
No words ever described how I felt.

The moment before I held you is my eternal sunrise.
To know that when we embraced.

Those most beautiful of eyes closed yet still i was there.

Years passed and I went on loving you.
Like a torch burning away the night before me.
I held your love in the heavens with the stars.

Nights of passion and days of laughter.
Journeys to new places and greeting new faces.

Together we grew with each sunrise.

I fought for your love.
Waged war with you.
Our revolutions were the best.
Love is a flame that burns bright before it dies.

In the end which must surely come.
I watched you leave.
Those most beautiful of eyes closing.

A slow numbness slipped into my soul.
The colours faded from my eyes.

My hearts a cold lonely place now.
Love echoing in its hollow space.

I stand now as I have been since my last sunrise.
Through slashing rain or Burning cold I've waited.

I'll wait out the night for the sunrise.

Nice poem. Extra points for talking about the love before the heartbreak. The imagery you used was great

I loved this line 'Eyes of the deep green forest I would travel.'
The climbing your lips sounds odd to me. I wouldn't use it

The whole heartbreak section came too fast. It seems like it was just thrown in there to end the poem.

That was a good poem. There were some great lines like:
"Eyes of the deep green forest I would travel."
"Nights of passion and days of laughter."
"Love is a flame that burns bright before it dies."
You could expand on the heartbreak part.
Overall, you did a good job.

I noticed a sparkle of purest golden beauty.

As sweet as the first sunrise.

Those most beautiful of eyes closed yet still i was there.

Just making sure: You mean that the narrator was still there even after the eyes closed, yes? Because if you mean the eyes were still there even when he couldn't see them, then it would be 'yet still they were there'.

I whatched you leave.

It should be 'watched' here.

Thru slashing rain or Burning cold I've waited.

Replace 'thru' with 'through'.


I would like to start by saluting you have having the patience to indent this poem. It's got a nice shape.

There was one other thing I wanted to point out to you, and that is that you have a period at the end of every verse. You have a number of sentences that are in juxtaposition ('enjambement' in French. I'm not 100% sure that's the word in English. It's the one where one sentence is a continuation of the next =P). For example 'As sweet as the sunrise.' doesn't make any sense if read alone. Yet as a sentence it should. However, 'I noticed a sparkle of purest golden beauty as sweet as the first sunrise' does make sense as a sentence. You have a similar scenario in a few places, and unless you have a specific reason for having all those periods I might suggest you remove them where they are splitting up two halves of the same thought. It would make it easier to read and also clearer.

Otherwise, this is a lovely poem. I liked it a lot and I think it's very well written. Have a gold star on me.

^_^ Keek!