Simple Storm

What I thought went up were the clouds
That made us blind, and scream, and fight
But what came down was thunder

when will the light come
after this gray sky?

You Torture Me,
Trust Me

My absolute main thing is the shortness of it. You should definitely expand.

Also, I noticed in the first and last stanza you capitalized each line, while in the middle stanza, you did not. So basically it boils down to a bit of inconsistency and length issues. I can't really give you a proper review because of the length.

So! Work on it. I see you posting new stuff every day; that's awesome! It means you're chock full of ideas you want to share with everyone!

Write on!

~April

I really like short poems. I'd have to say that length is definitely this particular poem's strength. Through its length, the buildup and the epiphany emulates the descriptions you used in the poem. It felt like being lifted to the clouds, then suddenly lightning strikes. I don't know if you intentionally did that, but I find that, that is rather commendable.

However, the second stanza seems too much like a cliche--it is already what you would expect from the scene that you set. Perhaps you might want to try to rephrase that or use an entirely different transitional approach to make your conclusion more "thunderous".

I also had a problem with the first line, it doesn't seem to sound right. You might want to read through that again.

Keep at it.
-Tyler

I liked the length. I think that when you write something short, it makes every single letter, every word, that much more important.

"What I thought went up were the clouds"

I like the idea of thoughts going upward. I think it's really nice sounding. Did you mean "where", though? Were = "They were at the movies". Where = "Where are they?"


"That made us blind, and scream, and fight
But what came down was thunder"

The comma after blind feels unnessecary. I'm not a really knowledgable punctuation person, but I'm not sure it belongs there.

Also, I don't understand why you put "But" there. The complete thought would be

What I thought went up where(?) the clouds, that made us blind, and scream, and fight, but what came down was thunder.

It's kind of feeling like you didn't complete that first thought, just launched into an alternative.


"when will the light come

after this gray sky?

You Torture Me,

Trust Me"

Have you done the capitalization on purpose? Sometimes I can't tell. I like to play with capitalization myself, but what I'm noticing is you've capitalized the beginnings of some of those sentences up there. Capitalization makes things important. When I read the end of this poem, I see You Torture Me, Trust Me, and that's really cool because it seems like the concepts of torture, trust, and the coupling/friendship/romance/relationship is more important than the hopelessness of wondering 'when will the light come after this gray sky'?

It is made more important by the stark capitalization contrast between the first two lines and the last two lines. I love that.

I hope I didn't senselessly ramble. I'll clarify anything you like. I really enjoyed your poem, I look forward to reading more by you.

Breezy wrote:
"What I thought went up were the clouds"

I like the idea of thoughts going upward. I think it's really nice sounding. Did you mean "where", though? Were = "They were at the movies". Where = "Where are they?"

yep. thoughts and feelings going upward. like away
and no. where is wrong.


because the clouds were going up.
"what i thought went up were the clouds" is right. its what i meant and felt