Too Long Hidden

EDIT: Deleted by author

Hiya! Poem at your service, how can I help you today. A review...that is simple enough, will this suffice?

You know not what you are to me,
Not a friend but my fondest love.
Everyday you consume my heart;
You’re the only one I write of.

I like the rhyme scheme here, but I didn't notice it at first. In my opinion that is a good thing, because you do not want your poem to be consumed by rhyming words. They can take away the meaning from the other words. Great job!

You live too far away from me,
But close in heart is close enough. I really liked this line!
The course of love does not run smooth,
But does it have to be so rough?

Beautifully constructed!

You know not how I feel for you,
How each and every dream is yours.
I wish I could have let you know,
Because you must be so unsure.

Ok,ok I guess you could say that this rhymed...if you pronounce it a certain way. I might just not see the rhyme though.

O Should be Ohplease forgive me my mistake.
My love, tell me we’ll meet again.
This cannot be our last adieu.
I fear that I shall go insane.

Again, I think the rhyming might be off.


Great job!
~Poem

Structurally, this is fairly sound; your rhythm is smooth and you only break the rhyme in the third stanza (which could arguably rhyme anyway, depending on how you pronounce the words).

As far as content goes, though, this pretty much fell flat for me. It's one of those poems that is navel-gazing in the worst way. Only the poet gets the full effect of it, and the reader is shut out because no attempt is made to engage us - in short, you're telling far more than you're showing, and it's detrimental to your poem.

Next time, try experimenting with similes, metaphors and the like to involve the reader. Appeal to our senses; show us what it's like to be separated from a loved one who doesn't even know how special they are. Don't just leave us to guess - explore what it feels like, as fully as you can.

Cheers,
~bubbles

The rhyme in this poem is very good. I didn't even see that it was liek that until I reread it.

There are two lines that seem out of place. The first is: "You live too far away from me,"
I thnk this would be benefitted if you took out the "too".

The second is: "I fear that I shall go insane." This is in a completely different voice from the rest of the poem. It also breaks the rhyming structure, unless you pronounce "again" like "a gain". I would recommend deleting this line entirely. In the beginning of the verse, you have some musings on goodbyes, and you could replace that line with something more in vein with the rest of the verse.

Finally, the italics are a little distracting. You'd be better off just doing it un-italics (is there a word for that?).

All in all this is a good start, and it ha a nice lyrical voice.