Poem

EDIT: Deleted by author

Hey Winter! This was a beautiful poem, I have to say. For your first, this was much better than my first try. Anyway, I'm done with nostalgia. Time to get down to yours!

Your word choice was simply superb, the verses all flowing into one another. The transition from one to another was flawless. However, when talking about the actual flow of each line, it's sometimes thrown off. For example:

You came from far away.

A different country,

A different world,

Speaking half in English and half in your native tongue.

That last line looks much too long compared to everything else, and it kind of distracts me. Maybe you could add a little more to the other lines.

Otherwise, I had no problems. This is telling a story, telling a very tragic one. I can imagine the childhoods and the parting, I can feel the pain. It's very true, very tragic, and you show everything well. I love the ending, I love the beginning, and I love everything in the middle. Though I have to say, these type of stories always get my attention quick. Beautiful, superb.

Hey Winter!
I was only just passing by and browsing through your work,
But something caught my eye:
Shouldn't the last line end off with 'melancholic'?


~Have a great day!
(loves your custom title)
Meep(:

hey, winter..

this is your first poem? that's nice then.

but i think it will be okay for you if i cite some things, right?.okay here goes:

first, i really love the poem. i imagine it was set in the medieval age, the time of princes and princesses and knights and their ladies, but i was confused when i saw badminton. i mean, you could have changed that..something much older.

second, i would have to suggest that you use deeper and more complicated words. and i think it would be nice if you use proper measure, but then again it is up to you if you wanted rhythm or freeflow.

i love this:

You grew closer to me,
But I stayed distant.
You grew fond of me,
But I was scared.

and this one:

I was a fool last summer
For letting you leave, thinking I didn’t care for you.
They say absence makes the heart grow fonder.
Is fondness supposed to feel so melancholy?

you deserve a gold star.
if you wanted to tell me something, you can always pm me.

god bless.

I can clearly picture out your work- the scenes and occurrences. What I have to critique is the manner your poem flows. Though some parts did sound a poem, others did go on contradiction- some verses went too long and some on the otherwise- that the poem, as I read, was a little choppy. Also, it would have been better if perfect rhymes were observed. Nevertheless, on the totality, your work is really great 'cause my mind used to wander on the happenings that were written on your poem which, for me, is what a real poetry must posses.

Kudos!


[s] [/s]


Go thy way, eat thy bread with joy, and drink thy wine with a merry heart; for God now accepteth thy works!

Against my better judgment, I kind of fell for this poem. It's sweet, and it follows the story well. You make it clear how the narrator feels without being overly sentimental. Like nevermore, however, I have to complain about the rhythm - it's rather choppy and it detracts from the flow. I also felt it went on a bit too long in parts, so you should probably look at trimming some verses that don't add much to the poem or combining verses so that it's not such a chore for the reader.

It's a bit simplistic in some ways, and I could have done with a bit more showing instead of telling, but overall I liked it. I'm tempted to move it to the Narrative section, though, as I don't think it quite belongs in Lyric, somehow.

Cheers,
~bubbles

Pretty.

To say the least.

It dragged on, towards the end, just a tad.

But it was forgivable as this had so much to say for itself.

The connection the reader felt with the author was very emotional, but it still felt distant, like you wanted us to have a taste of the feeling behind this work, but at the same time you wanted to keep it all to yourself, savor the little link that made it all your own.

Very nice, loved it.

Exe's and Oh's, Eraqio.

If I were you, I would change the title. It doesn't portray the emotions of this poem. Really, I was expecting something much less...serious, I guess, and was pleasantly surprised.

I don't see anything wrong with the spelling and such, but it would be better if you would change where your line breaks are. Right now they aren't flowing right.

If you changed this verse:

"We were awkward and nervous in the beginning,
We spoke very little.
Eventually the nerves wore off.
We learned about each other."

to:
We were awkward
And nervous
in the beginning. Eventually the nerves wore off,
and we learned about each other.

The structure of the lines doesn't embody the emotions in them. If you break it up more, it shows the hesitation. If you have it long and frantic, it shows how much you need that person.

All in all though, this was very good and surprising.

I would really, really like to see a story based on this poem. It makes me want to know more, and it seems like such a sweet story. I feel like you could infuse a lot more passion and life into this piece, because you obviously cared about him a lot. Right now it feels a little like a recitation of facts, if that makes sense. I have a sense of how you FEEL, but not much. I'd love to see more.

Also, I love your last stanza but the word "melancholic" tripped me up. If I were you I'd put another phrase there, but that's just me.