Dungeons

Dungeons

Dungeons are places,
Where the unwanted imperfection of earth are found
Dungeons are places,
Where lives are destroyed and lay in captivity

Can it be?
You are that dungeon for me.
Binding my hands with strings of inequity
Is this how it should be?

My ancestors fled and fought with victory
But can it be this battle is too strong for me
I am not meant to be held back
I have cut that cord I won't look back.

Can it be?
You are that dungeon foe me,
Binding my hands with strings of inequity
Is this how it should be?

hi, I'm ash, and I thought I'd drop in and review I put corrections or ideas in bold beside your poem

cheri1706 wrote:Dungeons

Dungeons are places No comma
(w)here the unwanted imperfection(s)of earth are found(.)
Dungeons are places again, no comma
(w)here lives are destroyed and lay in captivity(.)

I liked this stanza, but if feels as if something's missing. Who destroys the lives? And if they are destroyed, how are they still here, laying in captivity? I don't know, just a thought you don't have to listen to that, though haha

Can it be?
You are that dungeon for me(?)
Binding my hands with strings of (-)
(i)s this how it should be?

With strings of what? Also, You have started rhyming with this stanza. I don't know if it is on purpose or what, but you didn't rhyme with your opening stanza. You need to set up a rhyming scheme (e: First and second line of every stanza will rhyme...or Second and Fourth line of every stanza..) if you want your poem to rhyme- that gives it better rhythm. ps, I love this part


My ancestors fled and fought with victory(.)
But can it be this battle is too strong for me(?)
I am not meant to be held back(-)
I have cut that cord I won't look back.

I love this stanza!! Gosh I love it! But only one thing confused me: the two last lines. In the first two lines, you talk about how the battle is to much for you, but then you go and say that you have "cut that cord" and "won't look back", in other words saying that you have won. You contradicted yourself just a lil but other than that it was great!

Can it be?
You are that dungeon fo(r) me(?)
Binding my hands with strings of inequity(-)
Is this how it should be?

I like your ending, though I think you could come up with something more creative and just plain better, judging from the rest of your poem. But one little nitpick- um, instead of strings, how about replace it with something stronger? you know, like ropes, or cords. Seems to me, if you are bound with strings, you could escape easily, and I don't think that's the point you want to make.

All in all, great poem. I love the idea behind it. You have tons of talent, keep writing!

-ash

This poem was okay, nothing spectacular, but a start. (I see you're a newbie--welcome to this neurotic website of terror!) Overall I dpn't think it's very clear; you never really explain your situation that much or tell who it is that you're talking to, who is holding you captive. I mean, the poem seems kind of bare-bones. Maybe if you put in more imagery and explained a little more it would be better.
Anyways, I'm Warrior Princess, She Who Writes Way Too Many Poems Fot Her Lost Love! If you should have any questions or need somebody to review your work, PM me and I will fearlessly come to your rescue.
Chow!