My Skin

My Skin

It disguises my feelings.
It hides my heart.
It covers the nerve you're killing,
and sets me apart.

Why have you done this?
It's almost a sin.
Right after you give me a kiss.
Thank God for my disguise, my skin.

How my heart aches,
but no one can tell.
It's cold as the chill your stare makes,
for I am just an empty shell.

What have I done,
to deserve this?
It's as if you've taken to me, a gun.
Tell me, what did I miss?

I long for the feeling
that your touch used to make.
For it, am I kneeling;
But your new love will take.

It shows no emotion.
Can tell no men.
Reveals no commotion,
Yes, you've guessed it, my skin.




edited...not much though. tell me if it sounds better

Awwww, that's so sad. =(
Okay, overall it was really good. There was only one pert that confused me.

It's as if you've taken to me, a gun.

It toke me a minute, you might think of reword it some other way.
But you don't have to listen to me.
Well done! =)

break~my~heart wrote:My Skin

It disguises my feelings.
It hides my heart.
It covers the nerve you're killing,
and sets me apart.

I love your opening.

It shows no emotion.
Can tell no men.
Reveals no commotion,
Yes, you've guessed it, my skin.

Your end was quite good as well. Except for the very last line. It just didn't work with the stanza.

The poem also didn't flow too well. Maybe it's your punctuation or the syllables per line. But anyway, I think the poem is great because the emotions are clearly felt.

Hello I am Hayley and I'll review your poem todayyyy

Like KnightlyAngel09 said I absolutely LOVE your opening, it's simple, short and yet doesn't explain too much where your left thinking, "Oh, God it's not another one of THOSE poems again." I love the idea of your skin covering up everything that you are, it's beautiful but almost sinful (not in a Godly way) at the same time and so well done describing something so well, It's not easy!

I actually really like the rest of the poem as well as the first stanza, I thought it was perfectly written and very well thought out, and I would like to read more of your work in the future ^^ There's not much to say about the rest of the poem apart from what other people has previously mentioned in their review, and I hate it when a person mentions critique something then someone else mentions the same thing, with the exemption of enjoyment, good luck in your next poem and I thoroughly enjoyed reading this one,

~ Hayley

Heya! That was great. Especially since I know what it's about. You're a great writer. Way better than me, so you have to help me out sometime! I need advice in the worst way. I like how it seems to have started as one thing and gradually evolved into something else. I also love that its really deep, and provides a look into your heart. Well, love ya girl, and keep up the good work! XOXO

*Taste-of-the-Night* wrote:Heya! That was great. Especially since I know what it's about. You're a great writer. Way better than me, so you have to help me out sometime! I need advice in the worst way. I like how it seems to have started as one thing and gradually evolved into something else. I also love that its really deep, and provides a look into your heart. Well, love ya girl, and keep up the good work! XOXO

oh please! you do not! I've read some of your stuff and it's so good!

same here about the 5th stanza.

i would put some input but i havent the slightist idea on what you are trying to interpret!!!

ok heres my unerstanding:

To it, am I kneeling;
**I think you might b saying that your begging down on your knees for the touch and you want it so badly...idk?!

To it, another girl takes.
**your previous lover moved on to another woman and she takes him and all his good away from you...?

so if thats the case heres my input:

-->instead of 'to it' i would say 'For it I am kneeling'

-->and for the last line: 'but others just take'

i guess with the last line i was trying to show the simplicity of how the other girls are just granted his love but you on the other hand have to beg and plead for it...

really, i hope this helped! its sort of hard to try and write parts for something you dont know the background of. but i tried my best!!!

ameria.rain wrote:same here about the 5th stanza.

i would put some input but i havent the slightist idea on what you are trying to interpret!!!

ok heres my unerstanding:

To it, am I kneeling;
**I think you might b saying that your begging down on your knees for the touch and you want it so badly...idk?!

To it, another girl takes.
**your previous lover moved on to another woman and she takes him and all his good away from you...?

so if thats the case heres my input:

-->instead of 'to it' i would say 'For it I am kneeling'

-->and for the last line: 'but others just take'

i guess with the last line i was trying to show the simplicity of how the other girls are just granted his love but you on the other hand have to beg and plead for it...

really, i hope this helped! its sort of hard to try and write parts for something you dont know the background of. but i tried my best!!!

aw thank you so much!! you have good ideas! for some reason, I simply could not think of anything to substitute it with! thanks again!

(that was to everyone by the way )

your skin. kinda like a mask.
i like it a lot.
a new way to hide weird feelings, kinda.
i understand, and you conveyed the point very nicely.

break~my~heart wrote:My Skin

It disguises my feelings(;)
it hides my heart.
It covers the nerve you're killing(no comma)
and sets me apart.

Why have you done this?
It's almost a sin.
Right after you give me a kiss.
Thank God for my disguise, my skin.

How my heart aches,
but no one can tell.
It's cold as the chill your stare makes,
for I am just an empty shell.

What have I done,
to deserve this?
It's as if you've taken to me, a gun.
Tell me, what did I miss?

I long for the feeling
that your touch used to make.
For it, am I kneeling;
But your new love will take.

It shows no emotion.
Can tell no men.
Reveals no commotion,
Yes, you've guessed it, my skin.




edited...not much though. tell me if it sounds better

I was disappointed when I read the second stanza. The second stanza just killed it and then I didn't want to read anymore because everything was just broken pieces. I liked the idea, but you need to put the pieces together.

Keep writing