Dear Daddy,

I hate to see you in pain,
but how much more can I take?

If you only knew, all the time I wasted,
crying for you.
Yet you don't care, just admit it's the truth.

I'm so sick of the way this is,
the way you are.
I'll pretend and say, it's not breaking my heart.

You are all my deepest fears.
It hurts to know,
that you thrive on my tears.

You are everything,
you shouldn't be.
Too wrapped up in yourself, to see.

Oh the hypocrisy that comes from those lips.
Have you no shame?
On my shoulders is where you place all the blame.

I should just give up,
save myself from your stabbing words.
But little miss sunshine, oh, I'll never learn.

And you know how to get to me,
to break right through,
the brick wall I built up, to separate me from you.

Why do I feel this guilt?
Why not you?
After all it was you who never told me I was beautiful.

Maybe you were right,
this is all my fault.
so daddy I will cry, until I dissolve.


-----------------------------------------



It's probably really bad, but I wanted to put it up to see what people think:)

Hey there justme! Kat's here to review! Welcome to YWS! Since you're new, you probably don't know, but here we have a 2:1 policy. That means that you have to review someone else work and then you post something.
So, on to the review!

I liked this. I liked your structure of three lines, and the rhyming was nice. The flow wasn't that good. In a poem, it's good to keep a certain flow. That means that if you start with shorter lines, don't pass to long ones. Like you did.

Some grammar mistakes I found:

Oh the hypocrisy that comes from those lips.

Have you know shame?

On my shoulders is where you place all the blame.

On the second line, know should be "no", so that it makes sense.

And you know hot get to me,

to break right through,

the brick wall I built to separate me from you.

The first line makes no sense. It should be: And you know how to get to me,
I think it sounds better without the "and".

So why do I feel this guilt?

Why not you?

after all it was you who never told me I was beautiful.

All the others rhyme expect this one. Was it on purpose or you just thought they rhymed? Because they resemble each other, the sound seems similar but they don't rhyme.

Maybe you were right,

this is all my fault.

so I will just cry until I dissolve.

Cry until you dissolve? That's confusing.

One day you'll die, you'll be long gone.

As I shed my tears

I'll wonder what I did wrong.

The first line is confusing. If you say that one day he will die then in the same day he'll be long gone? I think you mean when you shed your tears he was long gone. Am I right?
I actually like the ending, even if a bit messy.
The punctuation could use some polishing up.
And I think that's all! Hope I helped!
Welcome aboard!

*Kat*

P.S: If you need anything just PM me!

Since I'm new, i have to write at least two reviews on a peice of writing before submitting anymore of my own.
I chose this one.
I'm so glad i did

I was literally fighting back tears because i can really relate to all of this so perfectly.

At some parts it was a bit hard to understand but in all, it was really good

KEEP IT UP!

this is so good!! and when I was reading it, I was like, wow, this is so much like Because of You by kelly clarkson!! And then that song came on!!! LOL I must be psychic.
(not the words or anything, by the way. I know you didn't copy her, but they're both about the same thing, you see )

anyways, there's nothing here to pick at that writewatiwant hasn't already pointed out.
You did a TREMENDOUS job on this!!! you do NOT suck at all!!!! Far from it

It was very touching, and you got your emotions across to the reader......me, at least.

Well, since you need at least two reviews per post, you get to come review something for me

Naw, just kiddin, you don't have to if ya don't wanna...... but the offer will remain open!!
til then....

XoXo~AsH

Thanks for reading and reviewing! I know I did make some mistakes in grammar, and even spelling, sorry about that! Also, I did comment on other peoples poems, but then it said that the comments were too short to be considered reviews. So how long do the comments have to be? I'm not good at telling people how they should change they're poetry and writing, 'cause I think that everyone has their own way of writing and each way is different and unique, so that's kinda hard for me! =P About that one part of my poem that said "you know hot get to me", it was totally misspelled and I didn't even realize it, sorry!

But thank so much I'm very very happy you like it!!

and about the last line, I'm not sure why I picked the word dissolve, but it just kind of popped into my head, ya know? lol.

WOW! That was really amazing!
I really liked it.
I like the way that you put the words together, they were very pretty and you had a nice flow. They also have a lot of deep meaning behind them, and I think that you made it very touching.
Thank you so much for sharing this. I deeply appriciated it. I found it very touching.

I think that this poem is very awesome just the way it is, but here a few little nothings that i think would make the flow a little better, in just a few parts where i tripped, reading it. These help, for the way that I read it, but keep in mind, everyone reads things different, and it might not sound so good to you. Hope i can help.

If you only knew, all the time I wasted

crying for you,

yet you don't care, just admit it's the truth.

(I think it helps the flow better, if you put a period after, crying for you. It kind of threw me off reading that line. But i may just have not been reading it the same way as you.)

some more periods for the flow...
You are everything,

you shouldn't be (PERIOD RIGHT HERE)

too wrapped up in yourself, to see.



You are all my deepest fears

It hurts to know

you thrive on my tears.
I think that maybe a, "that" before, you thrive on my tears, sounds better.

And you know hot get to me,

to break right through,

the brick wall I built (MAYBE PUT AN "UP" RIGHT HERE, FOR FLOW) to separate me from you.


So why do I feel this guilt?

Why not you?

after all it was you who never told me I was beautiful.
(i like this line allot. It says allot and i can relate. But maybe word it, "after all it was you who always failed to tell me I am beautiful.")

Well, there you go. I hope this wasn't all useless 2 u. I really enjoyed your poem, don't be discouraged, and keep writing!

Hello there

Try to not be so insecure about your writing ability.
If it's what you are feeling then it's right.

Anyway, as far as the poem goes...

I had trouble reading through the spelling errors. It was really distracting.

Another thing was that there was a little bit too much space between the stanzas. It slowed the traffic of the words a little bit.

And this is probably just me.(because I'm weird like that) but it seemed like you used the word 'tears' too often.

If your poem was about tears, I suppose it would work, but it wasn't.And as I was reading the other parts and really getting into it 'tears' kept jumping back into the mix.

Overall I loved it, though.
Keep it up!!

Thanks=]] glad you liked it. Hehe. Yeah I'm weird like that too, it annoys me if the same word is used too much. I only used 'tears' twice though. Maybe it's beacuase I was crying when I was writing it? lol.

I love the emotion. I found a few mistakes, but those can be easily changed. I have so many friends who relate to that perfectly and I was holding back tears through the whole thing. I thought it was great, but would be so much better when those few grammar mistakes are fixed. Great job and keep writing!