poem

You're fist, my scream - darkness.
Everytime i look at you all i feel is coldness;
This is my life.
So I take this knife and i slash through flesh;
The pain vanishes.
I have learnt to deal with things in my own way,
I cut myself and hate myself;
Anything to take my mind off of you.
As days go by, i get weaker,
Things seem to get bleaker
I love you, but you seem to hate me
One day you will have ended up killing me.

Hello.


Slight technicalities. Honestly don't care much about them but a lot of people do so just to improve the strucuture of this:

Er... Let's see. Small problem with the first line:

You're fist? Do you mean [byour fist? or you really mean to imply you are fist? Sorry, threw me off a bit when I read that line.

Hmm. Capitalize words that must be capitalized, that pronoun i for example should be I.

Now to the message, idea, concept in your poem.

Pain. You describe tha pain you feel as darkeness, coldness which disappear at the slash of a knife. Darkness and coldness descriptions have been done numerously in other poetry. I'm sure you can express this pain through other words.

Teen Angst all throughout. It's all rather abstracty to me. The emotions you right about here need more vivid descriptions iin order for the reader to really feel what you feel instead of plainly knowing it.

Okay, that's all. Welcome here.

ugh giving reviews is the worst part

well, here we go:

Overall, it was a good poem. It had potential....but, it was kinda just like every other emo, hurting, cutting poem I've read. You didn't really bring anything new into it.

Be very descriptive.
You felt coldness every time you saw him? Wouldn't you feel more hatred for him? He is ruining your life. Driving you to your death. Make your readers feel that pain, hate, and regret....but there are other ways to describe that. Have you ever tried to google synonyms for overused words? It helps tremendously!
Also, give us a mental picture of this pain. Let me feel your emotions. Use more vivid verbs and adjectives.

That's all I can think of, that KnightlyAngel hasn't pointed out. Hope it helped!

I really liked it let me know when/if you edit it. I'd really like to read it again!!
You're a very talented writer, by the way. Keep writing! (please?)

XoXo~AsH

thanks for the advice ill keep it in mind