Young Writers Society

Funny how some dreams come true,
What matters is that they do-
Funny how I feel for you,
When I look into your eyes...

I'm stepping out,
Into a brand new day
When I see you there,
I start to quiver...

Everything starts to turn so blue,
Like swimming-
Through a bottomless pool,
Suddenly lights are flashing...

As you advance towards me,
With that beautiful smile
On you lips,
That "screams" out "I love You".

I stand there frozen,
As you reach towards me
Bringing me into your silent embrace
Our lips touch...

Funny how some dreams come true...
What matters is that they do
Funny how I feel for you,
Whenever I look into your eyes..

Any critiques would be really welcome. Thanks.

The first stanza started well, but you seemed to lose the rhyming scheme/flow and it just fell almost to bits after that. Not that what you wrote was not good, it's just lost in the constantly-switching of line-length and everything. Especially the second stanza - it's such a contrast to the first that it almost looks like it's out of a different poem.

i agree with the above, the first verse as quite alright but it seemed strangely disconnected to the second verse, as if you had suddenly decided to write a new poem.

it's a little cliché, i felt that i read this poem before, many times. it wasn't bad just not very interesting. more orignal imagery would really add to the poem, this seems like a an outline or something...i felt there should have been more and when i got to the end i was disappointed. i had a sort of "is this it?" feeling.

work on the imagery and trying to keep a nice flow to the poem, so it looks like it all fits and it think you'd really improve this piece.

Thank you both. I will work on improving this poem more.

I don't know if it's just me, but those dashes and ellipses really annoy me. Also, fourth stanza, third line, I believe you meant "your".

I agree with what the others said about the second stanza. It just doesn't seem to fit. When I read the poem but skipping the second stanza, the flow in that transition was just so much better.

I liked the first and last stanza, and the rhyme/meter was good. I don't really understand or like that you put "scream" in quotes, but to each their own, I say, I'm sure you had your reasons.

Um, I think thats about it, I guess...

Not bad. I think you need to work on the imagery, metaphors, etc, because that's what makes a poem stand out in the end. You had something good in the third stanza:
"Everything starts to turn so blue,
Like swimming- "
So try to expand it. I think you should take out the "so" though, it seems a little irrelevant and doesn't help the rhythm.
The theme...we've heard it all a thousand times, and that can be okay, but you didn't redeem yourself with the imagery etc. I mean, looking into someone's eyes and feeling like dreams can come true? That can be good, but I think you need to make it a little more original. What you have at the moment is fine, for a first draft. Keep improving and I'd like to see what you do with it.