Broken and Forgotten

Broken
Small fragments are left over
From a whirlwind of pain
-
Forgotten
No one can remember
Who I am
Or that I exist at all
-
Broken
Just that one
The one I though
Would be mine forever
-
Forgotten
Left alone
To die alone
-
Broken
Hearted
No more tears left
For I've cried them all out
In your absence
-
Forgotten
Sits alone
To be friendless and
Empty
-
Broken
Small fragments left over
From a whirl wind of pain
-
Forgotten
No one can remember
Who I am
Or that I exist at all

I liked this poem, it was full of real emotion and pain, and i think that was what you were trying to do when you wrote it so well done!
I think it needs some work though, i liked how you made certain words in bold to make the stand out to the reader
I think it needs more though, more feeling in the voice i guess. it ddint shout out for my attenion so i think you need to improve that
i loved it anyway - keep up the good work!




gracey

nice!
high five!
no?
ok then (:

liked this one, very nice. A+ 4 u!
perhaps more feeling in the voice (last minute edit: sry, just saw the review above me, sry for repeating that)

-grimy

gracey;

Thanks so much :]
On my next poem I'll try and have more feeling my the voice

grimy:

Yes! i got an A+ :]
Haha Its okay for repeating that,
thanks for reading

Good job! Very nice poem. I love the way you established the stanzas. But some spelling errors:

"From a whirl wind of pain"
Whirlwind is one word.

"Or that I exsist at all"
Exist has one s.

"The one I though"
Did you mean 'thought'?

"In your absense"
Unless there's an alternative spelling, absence is spelled with a c and an s.

Other than that, I was awed by your poem. Really good work!

Other than the spelling/grammer issues that someone else already pointed out, I like it in general.

No one can remember

Who I am

Or that I exsist at all

This seems a little simplistic, somehow, and doesn't conjure the same emotions and imagery that the rest of the poem did.

Just that one

The one I though

Would be mine forever

I'd take out the "Just that one" and leave it as the last two lines... feels a little repetitive and if you wanted emphasize something, I'd suggest emphasizing the "Forever" part instead.

Your poem was stunning. I could almost feel the pain with you. It shows what really goes on inside a girls head. Keep writing and fix the spelling errors that the person above me suggested. But overall. Loved the repetion of broken by the way!
*Ash*

I love it, because, well, I can relate to it.