Young Writers Society

This a poem I wrote a year ago for my art lesson on emotion

Tell me what you think of it guys...

Dark clouds encircle my life,

Everybody hates me

Jokes no longer make me smile

Even in company, I

Cry pathetically in utter desolation

Tell me that there is a light at the end of the tunnel, because

Ican’t see one.

Over is my life,

Nobody to care if I die.

I really liked this. It was very well written. I think it could use a little more puncuation though.
Excellent job!
-Sometimes-

Hello, black star!

--This is navel-gazing and, to use a harsher term, emo. Most lines have a reference to you (I, my, me, et cetera) and how pathetic you are. This is an extreme no-no. Poetry can't be built completely off one source -- and that source can be defined as you. Metaphors, for example, are lovely. You hide things in them. It gives the reader something to do, keeps him interested in the piece.

-- It's predictable. I'm sorry, but by the first line we already know where the entire thing is going. That's not good. You need to take an idea and twist with it and wrestle it until it really reflects how you want it to be. Give it a spin. Show me another facet.

-- There is no action. All it is is "Woe is me." You could write a scene encompassing how you feel, the "dejection"(you looked it up as a synonym to "despair", right?), like you being teased or something. That would be meat on bones, meaning you still have to add internal organs, fat and skin.

-- It's contrived. I basically avoid writing this kind of poetry -- not the emo kind (I do avoid that, make no mistake XD) but where you spell a word out through the lines. It sets up boundaries for you to crack your head against, literally. It's almost as bad as rhyming in that sense.

My overall suggestion? Ditch this, start again. It's not salvageable.

PM me if you have any questions on my review.

Cheers,
Sumi

Sumi pretty much took the words out of my mouth, so I'll not repeat them. I will say this, try to read some poetry in your spare time. It will teach you a lot!

Very interesting way to write a poem.
And very good use of DEJECTION.
-The cake IS a lie.

Ditto on with Sic said.

You certainly don't see a lot of poems of thi style anymore. Its one we learn in school and tend to forget about it when the unit is over. This one wasn't bad. It would be better if you were more visual with it, and more personal.

I thought some of the lines were written fairly well, but honestly, the whole thing was very, as Sumi said, "emo", and quite predictable. I can see you have talent, but you might want to apply it differently rather than using a predictable "woe is me" theme.

Oh, and welcome to the site!

dang!! this is really good! very sad and depressing ... i like it!

Nicely done my friend!
shanan-cat!

Guys I have had a mixed response to this poem and I'd like to re-iterate that this was written a year ago AT SCHOOL, and so it is nothing like any of my other poems.

Thanks for the positive comments guys.

But the Bad comments just basically have ignored the bit I wrote before the poem.

Read my other poems to see my true poetic quality (not being big-headed)

Guys I have had a mixed response to this poem and I'd like to re-iterate that this was written a year ago AT SCHOOL, and so it is nothing like any of my other poems.

Thanks for the positive comments guys.

But the Bad comments just basically have ignored the bit I wrote before the poem.

Read my other poems to see my true poetic quality (not being big-headed)

IDK what Sumi was talking about because I really liked this poem! It's very discriptive and beautiful! Excellent job!
-Ailam

Oh my, this is really sad!
Very nice and unique, I enjoyed reading it.
Keep it up!

Hey

haha i see you have quite a few positive and negative comments..

i really liked this, even though it was written for school, a year ago.

your other poems are really awesome too =)

x