Wishing Star

I've been in a bit of a writer's rut lately where anything I write sounds like crap. Yeah, so here's a poem I wrote two years ago. Nuff said. Enjoy.

The one I love
Does not love me;
Together we will never be.

In silence I made a cry:
He’ll love me when
A meteor hits the sky.

I looked up and saw it true –
Across in the Heavens blue.

Was it a sign?
I’ll never know,
Yet in my heart
This secret I’ll stow.

I still have hope he’ll love me so.

Wait . . . does this sound like crap, too?

No, this sounds really nice It's sweet, it sounds good in my head, the third line sounded a little forced but apart from that I really liked it.

And this is my first lit comment in ages, so consider yourself honoured

theluckyflower--


This reminds me of a little, oft-repeated love tale that is usually better presented as a County and Western song. Neither the situation, the phrasing or the characters offers much--if anything at all--to the reader.


Take care,
Brad

It's not bad, but there are several places like, "WHOA!" Like the line with the meteor. It makes you tongue skid like a car on dry ice. So basically, I think you might be trying to hard to make it rhyme and not trying hard enough to make it "mean" something.

So drop the rhyme -- you might come up with something prettier.

theluckyflower wrote:I've been in a bit of a writer's rut lately where anything I write sounds like crap. Yeah, so here's a poem I wrote two years ago. Nuff said. Enjoy.

The one I love
Does not love me;
Together we will never be.

In silence I made a cry:
He’ll love me when
A meteor hits ?the sky.? (The earth would sound better for a more powerful image!)

I looked up and saw it ?true? – (I don't get this bit)
Across in the Heavens blue. (up in the heavens blue?????)

Was it a sign?
I’ll never know,
Yet in my heart
This secret I’ll stow. Love this section!!

I still have hope he’ll love me so.
Wait . . . does this sound like crap, too?

Before I say anything about this poem I want to say to you that no piece of work is crap. Anything can be salvaged and improved...
Anyway...
Yeah it needs a bit of work if you're going to stick with it.
You've tried to hard to rhyme it and to be honest... this makes it boring...
Some of it I think really worked and with a bit of editing I think it would be great xxx lexy xxx

Hey Mai.

No, this sounds very good. I like the rhyming in most of it. I think the second stanza is very good. I think you could expand on this, too.

Keep on writing,
Timea

Cool. Very nice. Good job.

Nice poem.

Like someone said the third line was a little forced. Youve tryed to rhyme quite hard and you have lost some meaning. However if you think about the words you can find there meaning quite easyily.

It also sounds very good when I say it in my head.

Good work.