Waiting to Exhale

I know there's a movie called Waiting to Exhale, though I've never seen it, and the title captured my interest. So I wrote something and used that title. Thanks to Galatea and all you critiquers for your editing advice

Waiting to Exhale

in a box with four walls that won't fall
I wait for light to creep through the cracks
in the ceiling, the ceiling that shelters me like
closed hands, closed minds, closed worlds
looking through glass at all the pretty colours
from my black and white wonderland like
a harlequin clown, I thought I dreamed once
of being free but the real thing was too
wide open cold, and I'm just a small person
in a big world, searching for safety in the who-knows-where
something is out there but it might get me so I stay
here, wrapped up in myself
a parcel of innocence waiting
to be unbound.

I know I’m not normal irregular strange out of sync
losing my grip on things and falling down a steep cliff -
if only reality weren’t so slippery like this I could hold onto my self
but as it is I think I’m losing everything I never had,
trapped in my box with the glass walls holding my breath and waiting
to exhale.

I really liked this poem. You have some beautiful lines like,

" in the ceiling that is keeping me covered sheltered in closed hands "

The only comment that I have to make is that it would probably flow better and read easier if you broke most of your lines into two sepearate ones.

I really like this piece (of course!) I don't think you need to break up the lines, but that's just me.

Specifics:

in a box with four walls very strong walls that wont fall ---> (Repeating 'walls' here takes away from the line. Nitpick: won't*)
waiting for the light to creep in through those cracks
way up there in the ceiling that is keeping me covered sheltered in closed hands
closed minds closed worlds looking through glass at all the pretty colours
while trapped in a black and white wonderland like a little girl lost ---> (I like the Alice in Wonderland reference, but 'little girl lost' seems somehow cliche to me.)
and I thought I dreamed once of being free but the real thing was far too
terrifying ‘cause I’m just a small person in the big wide world
searching for safety who-knows-where in what form knowing something is out there
but it might get me so I stay here wrapped up in myself a parcel of innocence waiting ---> (I would recommend breaking the line after 'myself' and making 'a parcel of innocence waiting' it's own phrase)
to be unwrapped

don’t get me wrong I know I’m not normal irregular strange out of sync --->(Cut 'don't get me wrong')
losing my grip on things and falling down a steep cliff
if only reality weren’t so slippery like this I could get a hold of myself ---> (Eliminate 'get a' and 'of')
but as it is I think I’m losing everything I never had
trapped in my box with the glass walls holding my breath and
waiting to exhale.---> (No period here. It's too final.)

YAY! Great job. I love this piece.

Thanks both of you glad you liked it, I've taken some of your advice re: editing, Galatea, ta.

I think the lines need to be broken up. Why? Because when you have to take a breath in the middle of a line it causes you to either forget what you just read or it simply ruins the moment.
I found and edit for you though.
Quote "a parcel of innocence waiting
to be unwrapped" This should really be one line. If you disagree, read the line and take a breatah at the end of the first line. It's choppy and doesn't flow.

I do like this peice however. I can feel the emotion you put into it.


Jearjioe

You write really well This was a really good poem. I thought it flowed really nice and gave me a good sense of what the poem is about!

Good Job!

bubblewrapped wrote:I know there's a movie called Waiting to Exhale, though I've never seen it, and the title captured my interest. So I wrote something. And gave it that title. Just so you know. LOL.

Waiting to Exhale

in a box with four walls that won't fall
waiting for the light to creep in through those cracks
way up there in the ceiling that is keeping me covered sheltered in closed hands
closed minds closed worlds looking through glass at all the pretty colours
while trapped in a black and white wonderland like a harlequin clown
and I thought I dreamed once of being free but the real thing was far too
terrifying ‘cause I’m just a small person in the big wide world
searching for safety who-knows-where in what form knowing something is out there
but it might get me so I stay here wrapped up in myself
a parcel of innocence waiting
to be unwrapped

I know I’m not normal irregular strange out of sync
losing my grip on things and falling down a steep cliff
if only reality weren’t so slippery like this I could hold onto my self
but as it is I think I’m losing everything I never had
trapped in my box with the glass walls holding my breath and
waiting to exhale

Ta Galatea for the editing advice.

I really liked this. You should try to seperate lines a bit. It looks like a short story like that. Other than that, it's good, Bubble. Keep up the good work.

-Rick.

Nice poem, I would suggest, however, to review your lines and break them more. They're a little too lengthy and don't flow properly.

Good job. Keep up the good work.

I liked the deepness in it(although I have a small brain and got lost in some parts, I really liked it!)

This is a beautiful poem. I really liked how you used a box, like how we think in a box. The only thing I saw that you could really improve on in punctuation and capitalization. Other than that it was great.

I know there's a movie called Waiting to Exhale, though I've never seen it, and the title captured my interest. So I wrote something. And gave it that title. Just so you know. LOL.

I agree with you on that. I saw the title and just had to click on it.

Now on to the review! I second on breaking some of your lines into two separate ones. I had to reread a couple of times because I got lost and forgot what I read. Or maybe that's just me?
Any-who, [s]wonderful[/s] (no, not a good word) brilliant word choice!

I think this is worthy of a gold star.

Thanks guys -- I've been revisitng some of my old poetry lately and have touched this one up a bit. I've still kept the punctuation to a minimum because I want this to have a run-on, breathless, stream-of-consciousness type feeling, but I see where you're coming from in the confusing length/lack of direction thing, so hopefully it's a bit better now. Critiques are, as always, welcomed with open arms

I love it. I prefer the first stanza to the second, it's more powerful as a whole and your imagery is at its most effective here. I feel that;

"out of sync
losing my grip on things and falling down a steep cliff"

and

"hold onto my self"

are a bit cliche.

I really love;

"the ceiling that shelters me like
closed hands, closed minds, closed worlds"

and
"wrapped up in myself
a parcel of innocence waiting
to be unbound."

Brilliant stuff, bubbles. Keep it up.

Jas

Beautiful~


*claps hands*