In My Dreams

[pre]In My Dreams

Your smile resembles raspberry icing
and your cheeks are made of ivory,
carved to perfection and sprinkled with rose powder.
Your eyes gleam like the moon on an autumn night
with romance in the air so thick
that you could cut it with a butter knife,
and I breathe heavy.
And at night I dream of us,
in a field of roses
where a warm, sweet smelling breeze
whips your hair into your face
so I can brush it away
and kiss you goodbye before my alarm rings


[/pre]

Wow. That was really beautiful. I really loved all of the metaphors that you used in this... it's just beautiful. There was only one grammatical error.

and I breathe heavy.

heavy = heavily

Otherwise, there is really nothing else that I would change. It's perfect in itself.

-Jared

Hi. Welcome to YWS! Your imagery is really lovely and the freshness of the first line drew me in. I'd change;

"with romance in the air so thick
that you could cut it with a butter knife."
as I think it's a little cliche.

I'd change "so I can brush it away" to;

"I brush it away", as it keeps the poem more focused on the subject than on the speaker.

The flow is good throughout. As a general exercise I'd try writing structured poetry sometimes as it will improve your sense of rhythm, even when you're writing free verse.

It could be argued that there's a bit too much imagery here...or that there's too little emotion...I'm not a romantic, so I just may not get this, but I'd suggest trying to use some imegery which is more specific to the subject of the poem. What colour are her eyes and why are they gleaming? What can be seen in them? What colour is her hair? Is it just little strands which fly into her face? Does she make any effort to brush them back herself? How does she react to the speaker brushing them back for her? You needn't use all this, of course, and I wouldn't advise you to, but I think it would be worth thinking around this kind of thing as it will help you to expand your poem, and make it eveb more vivid.

A lovely piece overall. Hope this helps.
Jas

ooh, that was good. like the previous posts said, there were a few grammatical traumas. I liked the metaphors, but you're almost on the borderline of too much imagery. i know, it doesn't sound possible, but there is such thing as too much, and some readers could see it as too sappy. but I really liked it, it's really sweet. Hope I helped!


~Jenni

Simply beautiful. Any girl will be lucky to have a boyfriend like you .

This was good, and I liked the imagery and especially the ending. It was sweet and flowed pretty well. Sappy only happens when it is done in bad taste, this is not the case. Though you might want to find something other then a 'butter knife' for the metaphor, that happens to be overused and rather dull. No pun intended.

Wow, that was really beautiful. I just have some suggestions that might make easy quick fixes (should you choose to heed them). You used a lot of great imagery, but sometimes you were inconsistent as to how you presented the imagery. In the first line you said that the smile resembled raspberry icing, while in the second line you said that the cheeks were actually made of ivory. You might change the first line to "Your cheeks ARE raspberry icing". This happens in other places in the poem as well. Nice job overall, I loved it!

-nic'

I loved it!

I loved the way you used imagery and figurative language.

Great Job!