Sunshine Boy

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last mohican
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Mon Mar 24, 2008 3:34 pm
last mohican says... · Mon Mar 24, 2008 3:34 pm
[pre]Where have you gone,
Sunshine boy?
The clouds have gathered
Around your once glowing face
And you set, you sink, you darken.
The shadows extinguish your light
And I see you no more.
Where are you now,
Sunshine boy?[/pre]
Last edited by last mohican on Mon Mar 24, 2008 5:04 pm, edited 1 time in total.
"...I have conclusively determined that you are not Hamlet, Scout Finch, Frankenstine's monster, Ms. Marple, or a golum. Aren't you relieved to know you're not a golum?"~Dustin Hoffman
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Firestar
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Mon Mar 24, 2008 4:52 pm
Firestar says... · Mon Mar 24, 2008 4:52 pm
I like it. It has good flavor and flows well. May we see more poems from you in the future.
Admiration: Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to ourselves.

Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

Confidence: the feeling a person has before he fully understands the situation.

Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark.
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Aedomir
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Mon Mar 24, 2008 5:01 pm
Aedomir says... · Mon Mar 24, 2008 5:01 pm
Wow! I loved that!

The imagery was great, and I remain unsure what it symbolizes (which I am sure it does) but it is great, because it makes me think about it more.

Nice and short, got to the point, no faffy waste of spaces.

'And I see you no more'

I would put a period at the end of this. Flows better :wink:.

So, ye! Great!

Keep writing!

~Mark~
We are all Sociopaths: The Prologue

Sociopath: So • ci • o • path noun
1. Someone who believes their behaviour is right.
2. Human.
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last mohican
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Mon Mar 24, 2008 5:04 pm
last mohican says... · Mon Mar 24, 2008 5:04 pm
Noted and applied. Thanks :)
"...I have conclusively determined that you are not Hamlet, Scout Finch, Frankenstine's monster, Ms. Marple, or a golum. Aren't you relieved to know you're not a golum?"~Dustin Hoffman
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casey_kent
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Tue Mar 25, 2008 3:06 am
casey_kent says... · Tue Mar 25, 2008 3:06 am
Pretty good.
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I may not be perfect but Jesus thinks I'm to die for.

"Let's destroy these little darlings..."- W.Beckett
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niteowl
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Tue Mar 25, 2008 3:47 am
niteowl says... · Tue Mar 25, 2008 3:47 am
I loved this. Short and sweet. One tiny critique: The first "And" doesn't need to be there. I would put a period on the line before it and make that line "You set, you sink, you darken." one sentence.

Great job and keep writing! 8)
"You do ill if you praise, but worse if you censure, what you do not understand." Leonardo Da Vinci

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Chanahbanana
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Thu Apr 10, 2008 10:55 pm
Chanahbanana says... · Thu Apr 10, 2008 10:55 pm
WOW, that was really good!!
very short and effective.=]
i agree with niteowl-ont the fifth line the And doesn't need to be there.

=) x
The Perfect Person, Is The Imperfect Person That's Not Afraid To Show It..=)
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Adnamarine
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Fri Apr 11, 2008 3:46 am
Adnamarine says... · Fri Apr 11, 2008 3:46 am
As niteowl said, short and sweet:) It's very effective, no useless fluff in there. I wonder if there's room to make it longer, though? Just a thought. Nothing wrong with it like it is:)

Good job, and keep writing! More poetry, dare I hope?

*adna*
"Half the time the poem writes me." ~Meshugenah
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Jasmine Hart
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Sun Apr 13, 2008 7:08 pm
Jasmine Hart says... · Sun Apr 13, 2008 7:08 pm
Lovely. You express yourself perfectly, and I can't fault it. The flow is good. It might be interesting, as Adna said, to try extending it.

Jas
"Just like moons and like suns,
With the certainty of tides,
Just like hopes springing high,
Still I'll rise."
-Maya Angelou
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x-tears-x
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Thu Apr 17, 2008 12:38 am
x-tears-x says... · Thu Apr 17, 2008 12:38 am
lovely read. really lovely.
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Lil_Pau
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Thu Apr 17, 2008 6:42 am
Lil_Pau says... · Thu Apr 17, 2008 6:42 am
This is a good read. I pictured the sun while reading this.
Good job!
Hope for the best, but prepare for the worst.
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11 posts


The day, which was one of the first of spring, cheered even me by the loveliness of its sunshine and the balminess of the air. I felt emotions of gentleness and pleasure, that had long appeared dead, revive within me. Half surprised by the novelty of these sensations, I allowed myself to be borne away by them, and forgetting my solitude and deformity, dared to be happy.
— Mary Shelley, Frankenstein