My Darling

My darling!
and if you need me, I’ll be away, darling,
away:
it means far from here, darling, far, far & gone,
leaving this awful muddle

and I won’t miss you.

amore! but darling, you’re no love
until with sweat on your golden feet
you swan to me, darling, swim to me
in a river of erotica
a million naked bodies, darling,
a million naked bodies
and one.

Don’t worry, darling, I’ll have
lovers aplenty, you’ll see, and you’ll hear them
moaning in the background
when you call me
in the silent hours of the morning
like a kitten
meowing for its mother, darling.

Oh, darling,
who am I kidding?

-----------------------------
So do you like the new stanza?? (The middle one.)

The prodigious gadi, how wickedly you enthral us. Your tone recalled unto a salacious Mrs Woolf, a coy Mr Wilde, Dorothy Parker's short stories, the Saki of "Baker's Dozen", even at times Mr Rochester's dialogue in "Jane Eyre". This is the a most delicious subversion of the insipid love poem.

The free-flowing, playful tone, unbounded by iambus or rhyme, works well. Your structure is relatively good, as usual you let your flow dictate and don't try to crush it into any mould.

I was not enchanted with all of your repetition.

it means far from here, darling, far, far away

This line didn't strike me too much, there's a patronising element to it, which could work in your favour but it's not so definite. I would like to get a better sense at who the persona is directing this to, of all but this line it seems intellectual banter to an equal, but the 'it means', seems like you're teasing a child.

lovers plenty, you’ll see, and you’ll hear them
moaning in the background
when you call me
in the silent hours of the morning

I get a haze between your aural and visual imagery, the background being visual, though they are being heard. I'd like to see you play with something a little stronger, vivid, not explicit, but with that same teasing, titillating, provocative tone.

like a kitten
meowing for its mother, darling.

At first I couldn't place this, I thought it might be the lovers. But that's just a punctuation thing, I think.

But I'm nitpicking, I do love this, and am stealing old ladies televisions to get more of your work.

Mm, this was very nice Mr. Gadi.

I think the idea choice, first of all, is one of best I've read on here so far. Your imagery and the emotion which you use is just great, and it's pretty much original which is always a good point.

Hats off to you,
Mischief x

This was great gadi. The only thing that kind of jarred for me was when you twisted the syntax of "I'll have lovers plenty." Think it would sound more natural as "I'll have plenty of lovers."
I love the "and I won't miss you," and the whole of the stanza which followed. It had a really fresh feel to it and was perfectly communicated.

I really like this.

Though, maybe you could make it longer. Right now I picture it going on more.

Keep going!

Genevieve
xxx

Well, this was excellent.
I liked the unique theme and the subtle imagery, and I can imagine a voice--a simple divine voice--reading this. I love the kind of tone you put into this.

I must agree with Gwen that you could make this longer though.

Anyways, Kit mentioned it all, so I've nothing more to say.

Keep writing,
Ayra

Hehe. That was funny once you reached the end (at least for my warped sense of humour).

I didn't like it at first, but the last line made me laugh (or at least, I would have laughed if I wasn't in school).

Nice job, no mistakes that I could see. So it's very good.

Hm. It didn't really flow for me really. Kit mentioned most of the major things, but I'd also add that "plenty" would read better as "aplenty" and I don't think the word "haunt" fits - it sounds too pretentious and ruined the tone a bit for me. So maybe you could work on that.

Cheers,
~bubbles

This was very beautiful...
I liked it very much
it is wonderfull
!!!!!!!
this is a good poem, a really good one...
you sould go n writing poems, you really should
from the bottom of my heart:
It is awesome!!!!!
really GOOD

Well, my darlings, I have to say
I deliciously agree with each and every one of you,
particularly those who agreed
with me.

I like MischiefMaker the most, though, as she named
me "Mr. Gadi"!

EDIT A FEW MONTHS LATER: That was pretentious, wasn't it? Oh well.

I think that its a well done.
But here's how to fix it...

Quote:
My darling!
and if you need me, I’ll be away, darling,
away:
it means far from here, darling, far, far & gone,
leaving this awful muddle
________________________________________________________________________
The begining is not good, I don't like how it says "My darling and if you need me"
That doesn't make sense, it should be like "My darling IF you need me"
not "and" if you need me..


* * * * * *
Quote:
a million naked bodies, darling,
a million naked bodies
and one.
________________________________________________________________

This line brings the story into a total diffrent story line.
It doesn't suit the story.

* * * * * *
Quote:
Don’t worry, darling, I’ll have
lovers aplenty, you’ll see, and you’ll hear them
moaning in the background
______________________________________________________________
No affence but ....EW....
I did like this line though, it's just I'm a little immatre...



Anyway, I like it alot just watch some lines.

*keep rockin*

-Megith