Just Close you eyes

Hey there!
I can see you're new to YWS. Just so you know, you shouldn't post more than once a day, because it clogs up the forums with your writing and drives away critics, as well as annoying the other people who have posted there. You are also required to give at least two reviews for every piece you submit, and since you have four pieces in your portfolio, you should have eight reviews. ^_~

Now, onto your poem!

Live to see another day

To see the rains of may

What does May have to do with the poem? It seems a little like forced rhyming...

Why do we worship those in power?

They only bring destruction and cower

'cower' should be cowering, but that wouldn't rhyme, now would it?


I have to say that I don't like this poem. You give me no reason to care about what you're saying, and the rhyming was visibly forced in most areas. If I were you, I'd break away from the rhyming scheme altogether.

This seems like more of a blog/diary poem. It's really just a bunch of questions thrown in without imagery or interest. Bland.

Good luck, and feel free to PM me if you have any questions/comments!

- Camille

'Live to see another day, to see the rains of may', that's got a really nice ring to it, i love the way you've used it in repitition too.

I quite enjoyed this poem, it reminds me of a lullaby. It would probably improve it a lot if instead of having a space between each line, split it into verses.

The majority of this fits together well, though i can't see how the part about people in power really fits with the rest. Maybe you could play around with these ideas a little more.

I also have to agree with Ayra, some of the rhyming does seem forced. I'd recommend taking out the rhyming, rejumbling this, but keep the 'Live to... of may', that will make it stand out more too.

My suggestion: mull this over a bit, keep your ideas but don't try too hard on the rhyming and such. If you do decide to rewrite, let me know

(And welcome to YWS!)

Oooh - nice poetry. I liked your use of repetition. Fairly clever.

Can't we stop the madness?
Save the people from the sadness
Life needs to go on not end
We need to remember our friends
Count our treasures not our pockets
Keep our memories as our lockets
Some days are spectacular
Some are ordinary
Life is full of love and loss
Your future should not be tossed
When life seems so lost

This series of lines seems a bit forced with the rhyming. "Life is full of love and loss
Your future should not be tossed
When life seems so lost" Ahhh. I didn't like that so much. It made sense, but it just didn't... you know... seem like a poem. I did enjoy the line "Count our treasures not our pockets
Keep our memories as our lockets" Very clever!

Overall I think you can do better with this poem. KEEP WRITING!

thanks guys

i'm new to poetry and story writing

so bear with me untill i improve

I really like this poem, I am also new. I like what you have done here.

The content and structure I believe seems adequate, it kept me reading until the end!

I really enjoyed the idea behind this poem and believe it is very understandable and easy to relate to.

Well done.

Dofs....

my biggest complaint..well not complaint iissue at most...was the font style if you did it in notepad and do want to change it dont worry it can be done but the poem itself is good and I have no Idea how to crituqe a poem..grammatically speaking.

Church, Father O hullan And now leftie they are all the same me

It's nice.

I picture hope in you poem.

I like it.

thanks

Hey!!

Really nice job on your poem. I liked how you did the refraining in your first ines to the bottom ones!

Keep up the good woork!!

Kelsi =)

Hi again!

Just Close Your Eyes

Just close your eyes

I don't like the fact that you repeated the line. it bothers me a lot! Change it.

To see the rains of may

This quote doesn't go with the rest of the story. It kinda looses me right at this moment. Sorry

Count our treasures not our pockets

What do you mean count not your pockets? Who counts their pockets?

Keep our memories as our lockets

"as" should be "in".


[quote]Live to see another day

To see the rains of may

Love the end!
Like tha rhyme and the spacing.
Keep writing and the good work!
shanan-cat!

Pheble your so mean on your critics!
Maybe she/he wanted to repeat the line!
Give her/him a chance she/he said she/he was new!
Don't be hasty now! C'mon we all know what it's like to make a mistake in a story.
But I will say this to you Fall_Into_The_Sky I have to agree with Shannan-cat on this one, I know we see this poem in completely different eyes; but in this case it's unnecessary to repeat the sentence.

Please feel free to PM me, I think we would get along rather well!:P

*keep rockin'*

-Meg

Good job!

This poem seems to be just a bunch of fragmented ideas that are strung together in an illogical way. Try to organize the poem better... most of the lines can be developed into a full, gorgeous poem! This line was my favorite, "Keep our memories as our lockets." It just had a beautiful imagery to it because I could see, instead of having a silvery locket with a tiny photo inside, the person would have a locket that is more like a strand of memories, in all their colorful glory, hanging around that person's neck. Isn't that gorgeous? That is what I imagined!

So it seems like you're just telling us a bunch of things instead of showing us what those things can mean. You're a writer, which means you automatically have an awesome imagination. You probably have a unique perspective as to how these images played about in your head. So describe them! Give full weight of your ideas! It'll make a prettier poem out of this.

thanks guys


count are treasures not our pockets


The above means to pay more attention to the treasures in life not the money you have attained.