Hurt

Nathan wrote:Unlike the others, I really liked how short the "caress her" line was. I thought it showed symbolism, like you were tired of explaining this and just needed to stop and take a breath to stop from crying or passing out there, or something along the lines of showing emotions more physically.

Hehe, I actually was crying when I got to that point, so yeah.

Thanks to all the crits- I never realised I had that many!!! I don't know if I will ever do anything more with this piece; but all your advice is appreciated!

Alainna
xxxx

I did like this--it had more emotion than most poems I see. But I also had some issues with it. "hurt", "kill", "ache" they're all very general, vague words--and word choice is important. If you used better words, or even went into metaphors (when I see you holding her I feel like you've stabbed me with a dull knife) or something, it would make the reader feel with you even more.

Another thing I didn't like is the repetition of the poem. It works, because it brings emphasis, but then it doesn't, because the lines you repeat are so generic and they're repeated in such a short length of space. Although, I think your punctuation was iffy in some places.

But, really, it was nice. ^_~

Hey! Loved the poem, I think it's good and you could try more poetry in the future. [if you do, let me know because I'd love to read it!]

I'd say either go with Gadi's punctuation suggestions, or here's another option:

What hurts is that you’d hold her,
The same way you held me.
That you’d whisper in her ear,
Make her giggle,
The same way you did to me.
What kills is that you’d touch her,
The same way you touched me.
That you’d stroke her body,
Caress her,
The same way you did to me.
What aches is that you’d complete her,
The same way you completed me.
Look after her,
Be there for her,
The same way you were for me.

On the contrary to nickelodeon, I'd like to say I love the way "caress her" and "make her giggle" fit, because it fits the rhythm scheme. Or, I thought it worked.

Excellent poem!
~Luna~

Wow this was brilliant.
It flows really nicely and you've really brought your emotions across. It was simple and I am sure something a lot of people can relate to.
I can't think of anything to say that anybody else hasn't said already so I will just say well done (:

~Ferris AKA Tara~

Ooh i really like this

I don't know anything about poems so i won't try and go all technical, but i can see that it's good

Alainna you are a wonderful poet ^^

I loves this, and it flows well 'n' all, with great emotion and depth to it. It made me feel a little sad though 'cause the girl hasn't got the guy. =[

Anyhoo, marvellous stuff deary.

=]

Wow. This is really good.
It is very powerful.
I wish i had a better critique.
Sorry.

I think Suz just about hit my suggestions right on the head--it's not a bad poem, it's just a little generic, a little bland. I think if you polished it a little and worked with stronger verbs and nouns, this could be quite a nice piece.

nice poem. very informative. i bet this is from experience. or not. in anyway i like it. i really do.

Hey!!

I really liked this!! It did flow very nicely together, and it was one bit choppy!! You also did a great job in expressing your feelings towards this!!

Kelsi =)

Absolutely love this, the emotion and content of this is easy to relate to!!!
Excellent work, Keep it up.

Dofs...

I loved how everything flowed together. I really liked this poem. I felt that I could relate to it. Good work

Awww, this made me sad, particularly because I can relate to this poem.
You really have a way of making people feel.
I want to cry now, this was really great!!
I can't wait to read more of your poems!
X)

So beautiful yet so sad, I liked the flow and the rythm, I also think you should carry on with poetry, its obvious that you have a very big talent