Hurt

Just a short poem based on feelings, crit would be great! Enjoy.

Hurt


What hurts is that you’d hold her,
The same way you held me,
That you’d whisper in her ear,
Make her giggle,
The same way you did to me,
What kills is that you’d touch her,
The same way you touched me,
That you’d stroke her body,
Caress her,
The same way you did to me,
What aches is that you’d complete her,
The same way you completed me,
Look after her,
Be there for her,
The same way you were for me.

I really like it.
It flows very nicely, and i like how it has a pattern of repeating "The same way you ____ me"

"Make her giggle" and "Caress her" seem sort of short to me. Maybe you could add on to make it a few more syllables. That's my only suggestion, and i think it's fine without that as well.

=)

I think its a very good poem and don't have any
suggestions on how to make it better. It's good as it is. nice work!

This was a good poem. The only issue would be all the commas but other than that it is very good. It has raw emotion and people can relate to it. Good job!

i like it. alot! it's hard to find this kind of "struggle in love" poem in these forums. its basic, straight to the point and heartfelt. i can totally relate and it still flows nicely like a hymn. great job.

xjess

There are certain areas I'd rephrase but it's a really good poem. In fact, I'll just make a few changes and then you can use them if you want or ignore them...

What hurts is that you’d hold her,
The same way you held me,
That you’d whisper in her ear,
Make her giggle with your words,
The same way you spoke to me,
What kills is that you’d touch her,
The same way you touched me,
That you’d stroke her body,
Caress her, kiss her hair,
The same way you kissed me,
What aches is that you’d complete her,
The same way you completed me,
Look after her, be there for her,
The same way you were for me.

Thank you for everyone's replies and comments. I never write poems, in fact I avoid them, however I was feeling very emotional at the time when I wrote this.

Thank you for the changes Kitty15. I'm not sure if I will incorporate them or not, however they are very helpful.

Alainna
xxxxxxx

I really liked this poem! I loved how it flowed and how you described the emotions it was great! good job!

I never write poems, in fact I avoid them, however I was feeling very emotional at the time when I wrote this.

-Same here, istay verrry clear of poetry and have only wrote one EVER. As for this, I also enjoyed it muchly, I think you should try writing poetry more. It was emotional and you could sense the hurt in there (hehe hense the title!)

All the best,
Meevs
x

sweet deal! although this isn't my kind of style, i still liked it alot! sweet! =)

I enjoyed it a lot. It was good, needs a little work, but good. Try working on the syllables a little

"Caress her,"

But otherwise it's good.

I really like this. Wouldn't know what to crit on cuz I know zip about poetry, but it flowed well.

It's great! I will, however, make a few suggestions:

What hurts is that you’d hold her,
The same way you held me;
That you’d whisper in her ear,
Make her giggle with your deep voice,
The same way you did to me;
What kills is that you’d touch her,
The same way you touched me;
That you’d stroke her body,
Caress her, soft on pink skin,
The same way you did to me;
What aches is that you’d complete her,
The same way you completed me;
Look after her,
Be there for her,
The same way you were for me.

I really loved this poem. I'm really interested in emo, gothic, depressing, romantic, and other types of poetry that hit you right "there" and just make you think.

Unlike the others, I really liked how short the "caress her" line was. I thought it showed symbolism, like you were tired of explaining this and just needed to stop and take a breath to stop from crying or passing out there, or something along the lines of showing emotions more physically.

Wow. I loved this poem. You did an amazing job of expresing your feelings. I love poetry, and I know how hard it can be to get the reader to feel like they can relate, but you did an excellent job of this. I think this poem conveyed a lot of emotion, and that's what you want to happen. All in all, it flowed nicely and wasn't choppy. This was great! I can't wait to read more.

--Emma--