Clocks

Honest, brutal opnions wanted. Any forced rhyming, anything that doesn't seem to fit? I'll post some crits as soon as I can, I don't spend enough time in the lit section, so...help me and I'll make up for it hehe

The clock ticks 12:35
My phone tells me 12:32
On with packing I take it off the wall
Striking black hands remind me of you

Crossed legs on the orange carpet
Idly picking polystyrene to bits
I’ve never bothered with chairs very much
You’re the only comfort that fits

All your words are packed up in boxes
In the corner of my room, they lie
Collapsed cardboard dreams caved in
Wishes crept away to die

bubble wrap holds no surprises
So what’s the point anymore?
I’ll lose my faith
‘till I am safe
And you are mine for sure

I want to change all the clocks in the world
So the time is never wrong again.

I liked the rhyming to be honest, didn't break the flow, seemed natural. First two lines I didn't particularly like though.

It all seemed very observational, which is all very good unless you don't make any conclusion from all the images - in some places you did, in others it just seemed like idle description. I mean, why is the carpet orange?

I lo-ov-ve-ed the last stanza though, just seem almost like a little limerick to finish it off.

Although the italics are the best part of the poem.

Ends well, but the starts needs to be refined. Cut out what you don't need. Otherwise it's hard to read through and care at all.

Yeah, I agree about the first two lines, they turned me off, but I decided to keep reading anyway. Actually, the whole first stanza doesn't ryme.... The rest was great!!!

Nice job

I liked the first two lines actually I liked the whole thing, I can't say anything bad about it!

Meevs
x

Pretty It flows beautifully and I love how the story unfolds. Your imagery is very vivid. I especially enjoyed the second stanza, and
"Collapsed cardboard dreams caved in."
I'd include some punctuation, and I think I'd change:

"I'll lose my faith
'Til I am safe
And you are mine for sure"

to
"I'll lose my faith until I'm safe
And you are mine for sure."

This is a really lovely piece. Your poetry has a lovely feel to it. I can't quite put my finger on it, but it's great. Lol. Sorry about my lack of coherency!

I love rythym and the flow etc.

I think it could use a little bit of work though.

Overall it was nice

the flow of this is really nice; it's a bit awkward at the beginning, but after that, it's as smooth as butter on the head of a bald monkey.

I didn't care for whatever rhyming pattern just as long as it was great, and I tell you it's fantastic. Well it sparks up memories, to tell you honestly and it's abit tough...which is a good thing...reminds me of someone. But well, the word choice and flow of it all is brilliant!
God Bless, KIM

honestly, i agree with Jasmine Hart. Great job!

Like many other people have kindly pointed out, the beginning of your poem is a turn-off. What I really liked was the true personality to it, you must have put some good thought into this. The rest of the lines have such a great flow and the rhyming pattern totally worked for me. Great work.

The clock ticks 12:35
My phone tells me 12:32
On with packing I take it off the wall
Striking black hands remind me of you

Crossed legs on the orange carpet
Idly picking polystyrene to bits
I’ve never bothered with chairs very much
You’re the only comfort that fits

All your words are packed up in boxes
In the corner of my room, they lie
Collapsed cardboard dreams caved in
Wishes crept away to die

bubble wrap holds no surprises
[s]So what’s the point anymore? [/s]
I’ll lose my faith
‘till I am safe
And you are mine [s]for sure[/s] try 'absolutely' instead

I want to change all the clocks in the world
So the time is never wrong again. love these lines


Good work, just keep revising.

I have to agree with the other reviewers and say that I don't really care for the first two lines.

Matt Bellamy wrote:Striking black hands remind me of you

I’ve never bothered with chairs very much
You’re the only comfort that fits

I love these lines! Like I said, I didn't like the first two lines, but when I read the "striking black hands..." line, I just had to keep reading.
Overall, I thought the poem was really good.

I agree that the first two lines don't really flow well with the rest of the poem, but you have to keep some sort of reference to time/clocks there to make the poem well balanced, and to keep the theme through out. Over all, very good!

Wow Matt, your stuff is great every time. (Well, ok, i've just read Snoink, other than this, but STILL!! lol) anyways, I must say...great. i really liked the rhythm, it never stopped, the poem just kept pulling me farther and farther in. i completely disagree with everyone else and i must say, i loved the first two lines!! haha.

and your ending was perfect.

this kept getting better and better, and the end was the best part. no edits from me (altho that's not TOO rare on a short poem).

keep writing (of course!!!)!!

Teh Wozzinator (haha, thanks for the name, too!)