Clocks

Wow, this was such a refreshing and well written poem!

All your words are packed up in boxes
In the corner of my room, they lie
Collapsed cardboard dreams caved in
Wishes crept away to die

Favorite stanza out of all of them, I actually have nothing to critique here. Wonderful

First off I think this is a terrific poem. The characters have depth to them, there's movement, you start off in one place and end in another. Really good.

I liked how there were lots of little puns/ambiguities and funny phrases, like how

Striking black hands remind me of you

could be the clock hands "striking twelve" or black human hands that catch the eye;

I’ve never bothered with chairs very much
You’re the only comfort that fits.

;
and

I want to change all the clocks in the world
So the time is never wrong again.

(though I wasn't crazy about the italics in the last one - they seemed kind of tacky and unnecessary, as so many forms dictate that the last line or couplet should sum up the poem or reveal its meaning/message that we are all trained to put emphasis on the last lines already).

In the third stanza,

All your words are packed up in boxes
In the corner of my room, they lie
Collapsed cardboard dreams caved in
Wishes crept away to die

I wondered why there was a comma before "they lie" and not after it...maybe I'm reading it wrong, sometimes I do that, but it isn't working for me when I read it aloud. It seems like the grammar or something is funky.

Great poem, I'm very glad I got a chance to read it.

Oooh - the rhyming was pretty. I liked it. "You're the only comfort that fits." I was like, "AWWWW."
The clock ticks 12:35
My phone tells me 12:32
On with packing I take it off the wall
Striking black hands remind me of you

I don't get the striking black hands part. The hands on the clock are black and your lover is African-American? I'm confused here. But nice poetry here! Good rhyming!

I want to change all the clocks in the world
So the time is never wrong again.


IM SO SAD. I don't get it!!! (cries)