Young Writers Society

You walked in with your arm
still in that milk chocolate sling
and the stitches ripped out of your thumb
like the bindings of the calender
have been ripped out now.

And he asked you the question that was
throbbing in my mind but that I was
too nervous to ask.

So you answered in the affirmative like the
cool, purple aches and pains of rain
which sprawled across the roads outside.
I could feel my bare lips stretching
into a smile and you half-smiled back,
doing what I always do and only
smiling because you saw one opposite you.

I'm so feigned.
But that didn't matter for the moment
because the greasy beads of happiness
were forming on the insides of my eyelids.

Yet maybe because I let his ash-tray
words sink into my milk skin (I promised I
never would let that happen but I shatter
promises like your glass jar), your
news didn't click into place inside my heart
and rectify my insides like I hoped it would.

I pick apart my skin because I let it rip me
up inside and blew it to a massive
size with all my tears.
It never needed to take up such a slab of my mind.

Still, the rain showed the wrinkles on the
road while I was waiting for the bus
and making small-talk with a flesh-and-bone barbie,
and I realised I could coat my nails in the
glittering water and cry and crawl under the Eiffel Tower.
written: Tuesday 17th August 2004, 8:19pm.

This confused me. I'm not sure entirely what you were trying to say, but I think you over complicated it with all the different descriptions. I think it would be much better if you weeded some of them out and better defined what your topic was.

If you ask me, you added way too much detail to this poem, and way too much description that it definetely didnt need. You should take out a few parts and make it shorter so it flows better and so the message can be dispursed faster to the reader, because I don't really know what you were trying to state here.

I couldn't even attempt to decipher what you were trying to say because I was too distracted by poor line breakage. Maybe read it out loud and it would be easier to figure out?

But yeah, I basically agree with them. I found it too hard to read to critique properly.

Yes, this poem became very confusing in some parts.

So you answered in the affirmative like the
cool, purple aches and pains of rain
which sprawled across the roads outside.
I could feel my bare lips stretching
into a smile and you half-smiled back,
doing what I always do and only
smiling because you saw one opposite you.

It was so descriptive, I got a headache.

This also probably would have done better in the narrative section.