Cliched Romance

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I am infinitely blue, a
watercolored sky, lips
of sun eager to kiss your
purple mountains that

roll away, like a billow
of smoke in the sun,
left with
Appalachian dreams,
a hollow bowl
to be filled with
wind-kisses.

The solution, a sip
of wine flavored with
a brush of October, to
'drown my sorrows', as
the old cliche goes.

And I am drowning, a
watercolored sky blissful in
soft shades of sundown,
lying on velvet-soft sheets,
paperthin the distance
between our hearts.

I am falling
in a watercolored
sky, in soft, sundown shades,
paperthin the distance
between us, as I am
Appalachian-dreaming.




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In my opinion, this poem was drowning in description and left me for no room to feel anything. It came off as wordy and packed full of images, rather than really having anything to express. And what is it that you are trying to express? (Good poetry doesn't have to be explained.)

I didn't like the last stanza much—it seemed like you were just summarizing everything above, or rather, using key words from above. You used water color three times, if not more, in the whole poem. It just...didn't work for me.

And the title? I suppose if you are going for a satirical poem, you could be better with it.
“It's necessary to have wished for death in order to know how good it is to live.”
― Alexandre Dumas, The Count of Monte Cristo




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Claudette wrote:In my opinion, this poem was drowning in description and left me for no room to feel anything. It came off as wordy and packed full of images, rather than really having anything to express. And what is it that you are trying to express? (Good poetry doesn't have to be explained.)

I didn't like the last stanza much—it seemed like you were just summarizing everything above, or rather, using key words from above. You used water color three times, if not more, in the whole poem. It just...didn't work for me.

And the title? I suppose if you are going for a satirical poem, you could be better with it.


I know this wasn't that good...my brain seems to have entered a perpetual slump and I felt that I had to write something sooo...I wrote. Yes I'm stickin with my excuse.




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Have to agree that this wasn't the best. I mean if a poem is supposed to be cliche then that's great but I expect to see a cliche poem. That includes structure you see. If you'd used the sonnet format or one of the many other typical structures for a love poem it would probably have gone down better with me.
Writing Gooder

~Previously KittyKatSparklesExplosion15~

The light shines brightest in the darkest places.




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I agree that this isn't your best work, but your descriptions are beautiful as usual, and your enjambment made it flow beautifully, which really complimented the theme.It made me feel very peaceful.
"Just like moons and like suns,
With the certainty of tides,
Just like hopes springing high,
Still I'll rise."
-Maya Angelou




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I haven't read much of your work, so I can't compare it to your other stuff, but I didn't think it was really bad, nor absolutely wonderful. It didn't seem really emotional, as I think poetry should be, but it had it's own...style to it...that might not be the right word. I'm trying, really I am.
Good luck!
~Bells~
i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart) <3

Please review my performance poem?




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First of all, you'll want to rate this so it'll show up on the front page. If it's not too late for that... ^_^;;

I know this wasn't your best, and you know it wasn't your best, so I won't waste your time telling you how much it wasn't the best. :P And I also won't tell you what I disliked, because let's face it; by now, you probably dislike the entire poem because writer's block tends to do that to people. So, instead, I shall tell you what I liked, and hopefully you can use what I liked to create a satisfying poem that pleases you. Because really, the poet is what matters the most. ;)

But I don't think it was bad. I loved the use of colors. I just wish that, attached to those colors, there would be more verbs and nouns. For instance, one of my favorite stanzas was the third one because it used the word "sip," "flavored," "brush," and "drowned." And I think it's clever that you used the word "solution." (But maybe that's just because I'm a chemistry geek?)

I like the line where you said, "And I'm drowning" because and means that it's an afterthought. Sort of like, "And I love her" for the Beatles. :D

Anyway, I hope your writer's block goes away! :D
Ubi caritas est vera, Deus ibi est.

"The mark of your ignorance is the depth of your belief in injustice and tragedy. What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the Master calls the butterfly." ~ Richard Bach

Moth and Myth <- My comic! :D




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I agree with Snoink and others. This poem does suffer from too much description, but hold on to it. When I have writer's block and I force myself to write, I usually come out with loads of description with not much meaning behind it. Description is easy for me, but of course you can't make a poem out of imagery. I hold on to my fragments of description though, because sometimes they come in handy.
I'm working on a poem right now that was basically written out of two separate occasions. One occasion gave me the meaning for the poem, really gave me some stuff to get into. The other occasion gave me the background, the imagery; I had written it when I had writer's block, and the result was about a page of description. I just borrowed from said page when I needed some nice imagery for the first part.
So hold on to this. I think it's lovely, although, like Clau, I dislike the last stanza.

-Colleen
"My pet, I've been to the devil, and he's a very dull fellow. I won't go there again, even for you..."



Love is all we have, the only way that each can help the other.
— Euripides