Young Writers Society

I am so c-major chord it hurts.
To think that I did not
need anybody else to stitch
my own sunshine seems beyond
naive now.

To think I could stand alone
and still distort my lipstick into
a smile,
to think I could stare and see nothing
for miles and still keep my eyes this
vibrant blue.

And the metallic glitter of the
Eiffel Tower has faded,
has become the white of vacancy,
and all because of you.

The beautiful thing about regular
blood is that you can control the
mutilation, and you don't
cut your tendon like you did
with the jam jar.

You slashed your hand as well as my
faraway glimmer and everybody's
pure simplicity.

And I opened my mouth and
let out a spillage of words I probably
should have gaoled up inside.
The one time I talk I get it wired-up
all wrong.

It's not even black glitter; that's too
fufilled and soaked in anything.
The dull, cloudy-whiteness of the
prospect now just makes me want to
pick apart the calendar and make it bleed.
written: Tuesday 10th August, 2004, 8:39pm

Umm. I like your poem, but i wasn't able to get why it's under the lyric poetry forum.

The beautiful thing about regular
blood is that you can control the
mutilation, and you don't
cut your tendon like you did
with the jam jar.

Not to pretty an image... but i really like that part!

wow liz...you really have a knack for poetry. Your poems are usually very wierd on the surface, but very, very beautiful underneath. I think this is one of your best ones, and don't let anyone tell you otherwise!!!

lol

Loved it. I can't find any critique, so you'll have to live with that.

Wow I have to say this is one of the only poems yo have written which I have loved so very much I am not saying you're a bad writer AT all I just like this kind of style its much easier to write well done!

I am so c-major chord it hurts.
To think that I did not
need anybody else to stitch
my own sunshine seems beyond
naive now.

Loved this such a wonderful opening line and rest of the stanza was amazing

To think I could stand alone
and still distort my lipstick into
a smile,
to think I could stare and see nothing
for miles and still keep my eyes this
vibrant blue.

I love the imagry the thoughts everything about this the words are so powerful and really bring the point of your thoughts across! As throughout the poem I don't think there was a weak stanza in there

It's not even black glitter; that's too
fufilled and soaked in anything.
The dull, cloudy-whiteness of the
prospect now just makes me want to
pick apart the calendar and make it bleed.

and I love the ending the last line a wonderful piece of imagry just wrapping the poem up perfectly

It was a good poem, but I don't really understand what your point was to the reader. It was very different than others, and just a bit childish. But the whole idea was great and some lines were very descriptive. Nice.

This was very well-written but badly structured, a fate that befalls many poems that are posted onto this site. The problem lies within enjambement - you often end it on a preposition or such, and this leads to emssy line breaks and a generally confusing read. It's often better to end on a more definite word such as a noun, or maybe a verb, as the last word of a line is the one people pay attention to most, and when that is 'the', it makes it feel like you are placing emphasis on nothing. So I would suggest going through, and changing parts. Overall, however it was good.

I don't know what to think of this poem, its good but their is something about that I don't like. And its a little bumpy, but with a little tweaking you can fix that!
Anyway this is a nice poem but it needs tweaking