Young Writers Society

A sharp gasp entwined with a laugh
And a smile.
And I don’t know why.

Skin breaking out a little and
Eyes that always look surprised
When they look at me.
Thin lips that smile so easy
And a drowning familiarity
Looks that aren’t Johnny Depp or Jude Law
Looks that win me over all the same
And make me close my eyes
or

A sharp gasp entwined with a laugh
And a smile.
Everyone else wonders why.
Let me kiss you
Once
Please
Give me one more reason why.



Comments and ideas for names greatly appreciated

No ideas for names, sorry...

Anyway, I thought this poem was really good. It was kinda reminiscent...pleading...yeah...and not too old-ladyish like many poems of its kind.

Only thing, don't use an 'and' at the beginning of the last line;first stanza. It just is kinda clunky...plus, you want a to-die-for beginning.

That "and" doesn't really bug me, but the one in the first line, second stanza seems out of place to me.

As for a name, maybe "Why?" Okay that's probably bad, but still. It's an idea, and it's all I got right now.

A sharp gasp entwined with a laugh
And a smile.
And I don’t know why.

Skin breaking out a little and <----remove the 'and'
Eyes that always look surprised
When they look at me. <-----Remove this line, breaks the flow and a little pointless
Thin lips that smile so easy
And a drowning familiarity
Looks that aren’t Johnny Depp or Jude Law
Looks that win me over all the same <----I think this may better as "But looks that win...."
And make me close my eyes
or

A sharp gasp entwined with a laugh
And a smile.
Everyone else wonders why.
Let me kiss you
Once
Please
Give me one more reason why.


Nice poem overall, I didn't like the repetiton of lines in different stanzas which is used by several people on this site- it makes it feel like a chorus of a song and makes it less poetic and detracts from the overall appeal of reading it. Also, I found it a little un-touching for this sort of topic and expected to be people to relate to it more.

As I was reading this, I got the most wonderful image of two people just sort looking at each other not saying anything. Like a scene from an old black and white movie.

"Reticence" maybe? Got a nice ring.