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Young Writers Society


On our own



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324 Reviews



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Points: 890
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Sun Feb 20, 2005 10:48 pm
-KayJuran- says...



On our own.

why do we see them on the streets.
children runaway today.
crying faces that we meet.
people hungry everyday.

a drunken man lies on the floor.
rain falls on his face.
thieves are beating down a door.
money in their case.

a woman singing to her child,
tears run down her cheeks.
remembers everytime she smiled,
but now the times are bleak.

if prayers can't make it better,
God only knows what will.
we sit and write our letters,
spilling out our ills.

throwing away the memories,
words that only hurt.
thinking of the treachery,
in amongst the dirt.

if prayers won't fix our lives,
God only knows what can.
everything for which we strive,
has all been left to man.

maybe we should stop the prayers,
wash away the lies.
instead of standing with a stare,
resentment in our eyes.

it's plain that God won't help us,
and so we all should know,
we have to help ourselves and thus,
reap what we have sown.


----------------------------------------------

what do you think?
  





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488 Reviews



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Mon Feb 21, 2005 12:10 am
Meshugenah says...



I think it's good. Just a couple nit-picks-

Some stanza start with a question, but not all. usually i wouldn't say anything about that, but it's not constient. you have why, a, a, if, throwing, if, maybe, it's as first lines. the last three lines are the only ones that don't reallt follow any sort of pattern.

it's plain that God won't help us,
and so we all should know,
we have to help ourselves and thus,
reap what we have sown.

Love this.
***Under the Responsibility of S.P.E.W.***
(Sadistic Perplexion of Everyone's Wits)

Medieval Lit! Come here to find out who Chaucer plagiarized and translated - and why and how it worked in the late 1300s.

I <3 Rydia
  





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324 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 890
Reviews: 324
Mon Feb 21, 2005 6:46 pm
-KayJuran- says...



thanks mesh!

was considering putting this in the lyrics section but
im not musical at all so i couldnt put a tune to it by
myself...

oh & im not losing my faith or anythin.. its supposed
to have a message to it
  





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94 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 890
Reviews: 94
Mon Feb 21, 2005 7:34 pm
AstrangedbeaR says...



i enjoyed reading this. it was ver good. first two lines of the first stanza seemed forced...the first line longer than the rest and the second one the shortest, however i liked it. keep up the good work :)
*AstrangedbeaR*
  








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