If I could draft 3

If I could touch the stars,
oh would your hand be mine?
If I can not touch them,
you are lost forever.

If I could do what's right,
Would you keep me from the cold?
The cold of aloneness,
you are lost forever.

If I could be a rock star,
Would you be my biggest fan?
But if I cannnot sing,
the darkness will prevail.

If I could if I could,
oh, but why do I try?
You will not see me cry,
but you'll see the tears in my eyes

Why should I pretend for you?
I wouldn't be myself.
And if that's so,
then I don't want you.

If I were to be your man,
Would I want to?
I wouldn't be my own,
and what's the point of that
If I'll only be yours?

If I could if I could,
oh, but why do I try?
You will not see me cry,
but you'll see the tears in my eyes

Take a bow!

No, seriously. Because that is one of the most unique and mature poems I've read from a new member (no offense, anyone, but you gotta agree). Of course, I'm gushing, but I am definitely impressed. I think you shall go far, jearjioe (but not unless you tell me what your username means >.< LOL).

I do think you need to work on a few things though.

MAIN POINTS:

1. Rhyming. Either you rhyme or you dont. At the moment, the poem is kind of half and half, and that makes it messy, which really detracts from your message. So tidy it up!

2. Punctuation. Get some!

3. Oh, and dont use "cuz". Text-type slang is generally inappropriate in poetry.

4. Rhythm. Yeah, dont hate me, but your rhythm is as messy as your rhyme. Try reading it out loud, or tapping things out to yourself or whatever. Because it really needs to be tightened up.

5. Plot. I get the story, yeah, but it's (once again) all over the place. You need some order and some structure here. Where do we begin? Is the narrator asking or telling in each stanza? What are you trying to say and why should we care?

6. You keep changing tenses. Stop it. ("If I could see the stars explode/would your hand be mine to hold?")

You really need to refine this. Some of the editing described above, a bit more description, and perhaps some more unusual images -- I mean, stars exploding is a bit trite really -- and make sure they connect with each other (warriors codes, stars, midsummer nights...these things do not naturally go together, except for the stars and nights but, you know...they're not working) and this could be a really awesome poem. Kudos on a great concept too - if you could just bring that through the whole poem a bit more, make it stronger, I'm sure you'll find it much improved

Cheers,
~bubbles

Wow, bubbles just said everything I wanted to say. This is a fine first attempt, and like all first attempts needs revision, but nonetheless is an important step. Keep writing!

You know, when I was reading this poem the first time, I thought it was a child talking to their parent until I got to the third stanza or so. A child trying to win their parent's attention through perfection. Especially the lines:

If I could do what's right,
Would you keep me from the cold?

(Which, by the way, were my favorite lines.)
There was something pleading for protection and guidance in this... the first stanza being about holding a hand... I don't know. Just something interesting I thought I'd share.

Hey again! Nice to see you're taking crits on board -- this second draft is much better

NIGGLES:

If I can not touch them,

The cold of my self made fright,
you are lost forever.

Wuh? "The cold of myself made fright" makes no sense to me. What are you trying to say? Fix this.

If I could, if I could,
oh, but why do I try?
You will not see me cry,
but you'll see my great pain.

I reckon the last line was better as "but you'll see the tears in my eyes" -- it doesnt quite rhyme, and I just kind of fell in love with the idea. But it's up to you.

If I could be perfect,
I wouldn't be myself.
And if that is the case,
then I don't want you.

Not sure about this verse. Perhaps, instead of going with the "if I could" again, (as IMHO you've broken with this in the past stanza and should stick with your choices, LOL) you might go straight on to say - "Why should I try to be perfect?" or "Why should I pretend for you?". Just to, you know, bring the poem together. Because as it is, it's not quite linking up, if you see what I mean.

If I could be your man,
Would I want to do so?
I wouldn't be myself,
and what's the point of that
If I'll only be yours?

Repetition of "I wouldnt be myself" isnt working; also, not being yourself...doesnt quite mesh with the (apparently opposing) concept of just being "yours". Maybe you could rephrase to something like "I wouldnt be me/mine" or something, making the "possessive" sense clear. Again, I would stop with the "If I could" at this point. Also, I think you should use a few more contractions, weird as it sounds. It's just, thinks like "would I want to do so?" and "if that is the case" sound too drawn out and spoil the rhythm.

Overall, though, much stronger than the first draft and with much more style. Kudos!!!

Cheers,
~bubbles

nice very lyric make it longer and hey it maybe a top 10 on the charts. then ew can pop the chapagne and... wait oh yeah the likwid monkez died. never mind. but yeah its good. You have put quite a lot of work on it D3?! i do one draft and take hints for my next piece







*Signed with my scribblish handwiriting*
the king
okay i am too modest i will admit it.


*crossed out old signature and signs again*
The Almighty king
much better