Young Writers Society

What do you feel
Deep down inside?
I know so many things
are pretence, lies
and exaggeration.
Take off your mask.
I want to see
What it is you hide,
Beneath the lies.
I want to feel your heart
Beating in tune with mine.
Tell me your secrets
And I will listen
But keep my lips sealed.
I want to know you,
To feel your spirit.
You are who you are.

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any comments? i just did this last
night & tweaked it a little this morning.
any ways i can improve it?

I really enjoyed this because i felt I could relate to it easily, and in my opinion this sort of emotional poetry does best, so congrtulations on that.

Nitpicks-

What do you feel
Deep down inside?
I know so many things
are pretence, lies
and exaggeration.
Take off your mask.
I want to see
What it is you hide,
Beneath the lies <--------------------------I don't like the repetition of lies here. This line seems redundant as it has already been said.
What it is you hide,
Beneath the lies.
I want to feel your heart
Beating in tune with mine.<------------------------------Bit cliche, might need to change.
Tell me your secrets
And I will listen
But keep my lips sealed.
I want to know you,
To feel your spirit.
You are who you are.

That's it, really. Great poem.

thanks fire! i thought there was something wrong
with the lies line but just didnt see what it was...
that happens when its ur own stuff i guess... and
yeh i guess the other one is a bit cliche...

well, this isn't really my style...maybe i'm just not cut out for lyric poetry. : shrugs : that's probably what it is. but that's strange though...considering if you go back and look at the old lyric poetry i was the one who had like 14 poems back to back.