light

the sun rise above the horizon,
and darts between the clouds
orange lights turn the sky on
sun shining out loud

day rushes by,
through time and space
time seems to cry
as the light becomes so far away

Yet twilight comes, a last hope for all
the sun blushes red
its rays start to fall


It bends its head,
kissing the sky goodnight
reaching its hands away
from the darkness and fright

In the abyss,
the moon has come
illuminating darkness
making the sky seem to hum,
Its tears cover the sky
What was once lost has now begun.

I like it. probably because im a sucker for most nature. hehe I love how the five stanzas are aligned with the forms of the day and night and the middle stanza is the perfect zenith. In the second stanza maybe you should join "time and space", to timespace.

Congradulations

keep writing and =) happy reading (=

hey Blackwings
Yaeh I like this. Its pretty good. LOL I didn't know you wrote poetry. It makes me laugh, but not because this isn't good or anything.



Keep writing



Jearjioe

Hmm. Well, it was nice, but I'm afraid some of your grammatical errors and the difficult rhyme scheme rather spoiled it for me by distracting my attention.

the sun rise above the horizon,
and darts between the clouds
orange lights turn the sky on
sun shining out loud

1. "rise" is the wrong word. You wan teither "rose" (in which case you'll have to change the whole thing into the past tense) or "rises".

2. That last line there...while I'm all for the creative use of the senses, somehow it doesnt seem to work. I mean, it's a great image. Just, how and where it is seems wrong. Perhaps if you made it into a proper sentence, it would work better.

3. Punctuation!

day rushes by,
through time and space
time seems to cry
as the light becomes so far away


1. Rhyme scheme. In the first stanza, the rhyme goes A-B-C-B (no rhyme, rhyme, no rhyme, rhyme). In the second stanza, it's A-B-A-C. Pick one rhyme scheme and stick to it, please, otherwise the poem is very awkward.

2. This verse basically makes no sense. We have no clear understanding yet of the real topic here, so you might want to make it clearer -- instead of just describing things, make them *real* and present -- "THE day rushes by" etc.

Yet twilight comes, a last hope for all
the sun blushes red
its rays start to fall


And we're back at A-B-C-B again.

1. I wouldnt use the word "yet". You're not arguing that twilight is coming, it *is* coming, if you see what I mean.

2. A last hope for whom? Why?

3. Punctuation!

4. And the suns' rays are only just "starting" to fall? I would have thought they started "falling" (if this is a good word, which I'm not convinced it is) the moment the sun rose. Or are you trying to say that the sun itself was starting to fall below the horizon? Be more specific here.

It bends its head,
kissing the sky goodnight
reaching its hands away
from the darkness and fright

I think I like this verse best - but the last line spoils it. What fright? I'm not sure that "reaching" or "hands" fits here; and "fright" certainly doesnt. Otherwise, kissing the sky is a nice image.

In the abyss,
the moon has come
illuminating darkness
making the sky seem to hum,
Its tears cover the sky
What was once lost has now begun.

1. What abyss? You mean the night, correct? Well you need to be clearer.

2. "making the sky seem to hum" is --- I'm sorry, but ugh. I really dislike it. It seems like you're trying too hard to rhyme. If I were you, I'd change it to something more natural.

3. What was lost? How was it regained? What are you talking about?

Overall, some excellent imagery but it is spoiled a bit by sloppy grammar and an erratic rhyme scheme. Tighten this up a bit and clarify what you're talking about, and I'm sure you'll end up with a great poem

Cheers,
~bubbles

orange light turns the sky on

This does not work, both gramatically and whatever word means "to your ear". There must be a better way to describe this.

not bad, better than anything I can write

This isn't really anything new, but you do have some interesting imagery. I liked the bit "It bends its head,/kissing the sky goodnight"

I pretty much second everything bubbles said. I would definitely stress punctuation. What about capitalization? I'm not saying it has to be all proper - in fact, I'm all for poems that aren't capitalized, as long as they have puncuation. (The two are like dinner and dessert - you can have dinner alone, but you can't have dessert alone, and you definitely can't skip the meal altogether.) You have a few things capped in the last three stanzas, but the first two have nothing. Make it all or nothing - capitalization isn't something that can be done halfway.

Keep writing. This piece has potential.

Colleen

Hey good writing I liked a lot of the ways that you described the objects within your poems and uhhhh I couldn't have written it.........

Not bad, you have some really good moments in here but I think it could do with a rewrite. Bubbles' list was pretty comprehensive, I'd start with that.
I did like your ideas and some of the imagery (4th stanza especially) but work on the rhyme scheme and some of the word choice, particularly in the 1st stanza which I didnt find captivating enough for an opening.

It had a very nice and comforting concept but the flow is sort of off for me. The lines aren't all matched up and yet they have the same rhyming pattern which catches me off guard. Bubbles has already listed the grammar mistakes so I won't mention those. What you really should work on here is having each line mean something important, you didn't do so bad on it right here as you have some lines with great description. I just like the longer lines more so than the shorter ones, I think if the poems was made out of those it would have a lot of potential.

Keep it up!
~Rieda

I definately love the way its punctuated. It gives it a very edgy look.

Oooooo pretty.