I feel like a Bird

This poem is no longer available.

You're crazy, girl. Oh, you're embarrassing me. I don't know you!

First line needs to be separated, as it's the title.

Then, your meter goes like this, in your one-stanza-bonanza : 10, 9, 11, 10, 10. Not exactly uniform or organized. As I witnessed you writing this within a grand total of four minutes, I know you weren't thinking about punctuation!

I really think it's okay to have punctuation in poetry. Don't be afraid to use it. Probably you could put commas between lines, but I don't think you have to. Observe all that is red:

I feel like a bird <--Make your space here. Formatting it in the middle doesn't work
I feel like a bird, lightheaded and dumb <--might want a comma at the end
I feel like a mouse obsessed with crumbs <--Since you described the bird with a comma, you might want to do the same with the mouse...Not sure if you can, though
I feel like a pig rolling 'round in the mud
I feel like rose, a bee is my bud <--Thankfully you didn't put its complementary line...Although it feels like we need another line to bring us back to the first.
I feel like a bird, lightheaded and dumb <--I don't think this works.

By having the first line and last line the same, you're implying that everything in between has something to do with you feeling like a bird, lightheaded and dumb. But you're just being silly. They aren't related at all. So there's not even really a unifying statement. Unless you forgot about repeating the last and just called it: "I feel like a..."

So there you go.

~Jacquie~

I agree with J.Haux on all her critques. This is very reptitive poem and the lines don't really connect very well (Like Haux said). Try adding more depth to it, just a little, since this is a short poem.

This needs alot of work, but keep writing!!

Meh. I didn't like it.

First of all, yes, it is good to use punctuation, but that's a personal choice. Second, why do you feel like a bird, mouse, etc.? Give examples. You need to expand a lot on this poem. Third, don't repeat "I feel like a bird" so much unless the whole poem has to do with that.

Keep writing.
-*-*--Diana--*-*-

It was.... age expected. That is usually one of the things I look for.... well, tis not age expected, it's sort of down though...
It was a bit awkward and had no flow... and no reason, like innerbeauty said. Why? WHY? WHY?! If you don't know WHY then find something else to question!

For the love of God!... As no one here actually want to help you i`ll try to work something out of this poem.

I feel like a bird - So free and lightheaded,
I feel like a bird - A dream that makes me dumb.
I feel like a mouse - So fearing,so numb.
(Ok ... leaving the pig in his peace!)
I feel like a rose - So loved and so loving.
I feel like myself.
I saw a bird coming.

Ok i kept the idea and made the rhymes...Changed it a little. ( I`m not that good at making poems)

I not a person who knows much about poetry, but your poem wasn't the type I expected from you, no offence but I'm disappointed.

Well, the repetition made it much worse. I'll try to change it. And your title doesn't match to your poem either.

I feel like a bird
I feel like a bird, lightheaded and dumb
I feel like a mouse obsessed with crumbs
I feel like a pig rolling 'round in the mud
I feel like rose, a bee is my bud
I feel like a bird, lightheaded and dumb

"I feel like a bird - floating in the sky,
I feel like a bird - flying through clouds,
I feel like a mouse - squeaking at the cat, (I couldn't think of any)
I feel like rose - sweetly scenting the air
I feel myself - in a world of dreams

I don't know if this will be good. But I did my best.

Good luck.

very....awkward.....I LOVE IT! It is so weird that it's funny and people love funny!
except for themeanie critics that are acting like it's a really BIG thing because it's not.
nice job!

Awww cute poem! good work