Anger

Crying blood forget
Painful joy
Anger
Bleed till desire
Shadowing my face from reality
Take a knife
STAB STAB STAB
You backstabber!
Bleed until you are sorry!
Sorry you will never be...
So take my heart
And stab till you're content!


NEW EDITED VERSION

I cry blood from broken emotions
to forget what left I had of that painful joy
Anger rages through my veins
Quicker and more painful than a bullet

I will bleed until desire

Shadowing my face from reality
I come to realize that I'm hiding from myself
More than I was hiding from you and the world

So with a knife you backstabber!
I stab you until you are fearful of me
Until you will commit to me
Bleed until you are sorry!

But you will never be sorry
As soon as my picture faded from your mind
it was replaced in a heart-wrenching instant
It was only painful to me...

So take my heart
And stab until you're content
Until you break free from my grasp
And can finally die away slowly
From my memory.

This really sounds like something that you would just open your window and scream at someone. It really sounds like the framework of a poem, rather than an actual finished piece. I think you should try and branch out a little, fill in a few of the gaps, maybe add a little background to help the reader understand what it is that you're trying to say.

However, if I'm understanding correctly, I like the idea of the poem. The idea of "I hate you for what you've done to me, but I love you, so if this is really what you want, then go ahead and stab me." Maybe I'm just a random person though.

I really like this. As Duskglimmer said, I think this is a great framework. Are you planning to expand/polish this? It's really... powerful.

I think it needs something at the end, though. It just doesn't seem to me to have a great conclusiosn - it just hangs a little. Maybe another line which links it all in.

Eslyssa

It... was... angry...

This was pretty good. It was cool how you described your emotions in so few words.

Crying blood forget
Painful joy
Anger
Bleed till desire
Shadowing my face from reality
Take a knife
STAB STAB STAB
You backstabber!
Bleed until you are sorry!
Sorry you will never be...
So take my heart
And stab till you're content!

First three lines were great, awesome job there! 'Shadowing my face from reality' now that was clever! Very impressive! The STAB STAB STAB part was a little strange, but I guess it fit in. The 'Sorry you'll never be...' was a little bit of a large jump from one thought to the next. A little strange if you ask me, but not bad.

I'd say you were VERY angry! A good way to express yourself. Good job!

I wrote this when Roy was being a little jerk to me. He said he liked me and asked we go out but in the hallway a friend asked if he liked me and he looked me right in the face and said no. Next thing I know he's with another girl and I'm left there stranded....

Duskglimmer... that line somewhat fits perfectly into what was happening in my mind... wow... I don't even remember posting this ... I'll probably work on it and stuff.

God that is powerful poem, i could almost see the scene.

wow. that was really emotional. I liked it. you're an amazing writer.

Thanks, but aftwer a while you're going to end up getting sick of me and my writing, but pay no mind to this
WARNINGS DON'T MATTER DO THEY PEOPLE?

What we have: RAW emotion.
What we want: Fill in the blank.

It is quite possible that you want the raw emotion to show through ehre. Keyword raw. Here's my opinion. Poetry is not merely the expression of emotion, though it nearly always encompasses some part of that. Poetry describes all of life by showing a part of it. Its themes may be simple, but they must be grand in their simplicity. Frost is a good example. He could write about Blueberries, but you never felt that you were simply reading about BLueberries. Or maybe you did, because he does specifically talk about bluberries. He doesn't use a lot of symbolism. But he still encapsulates the human condition in his own, wonderful, naturalistic, simple way.

I think this poem would be elevated to great heights if it could channel the POWERFUl emotion represented here. This means giving it time, so the emotiuon is not as fresh. Then in retrospect, you may have a slightly different perspective, or the same perspective even more supported by facts. Anyway, the idea is that the poem should make a point, rather than simply flail its emotional arms. Some people may disagree with me on this, saying poetry should be "whatever you feeel it should be." I don't disagree, but I think that poems benefit from a theme, from a direction, from some objectivity balanced with some subjectivity. Balance is the key of the poet.

I don't know...

Compared to Sylvia Plath's Daddy (warning: the poem has strong language) this poem doesn't really seem too strong. You rely too much on clichés (i.e.: "Anger rages through my veins
Quicker and more painful than a bullet").


I'm not sure which one I like better... the first one or the second one. The first one definitely grabs my attention a lot more, though the first line bugs me.

Yes, well, we won't put her down because she isn't as good as ol' Sylvie, now will we? O_o

Both versions have strengths; both have weaknesses. It's always going to be hard for you to keep the unconscious rage of the first, while putting it into a proper poetical framework.

The only advice I can offer (since my poems are generally pretty hard and cold toned) is not to go quite so far with structuring it - it's good that you've got *some* rhythmed verse, but keep a few of those random one of lines that you have in the first poem, the ones that are all by themselves and just *scream*. They're very effective, in a raw sort of way.

Right-o, that's all from me, you crazy angry silver thing.

Ya, comparing her to Sylvia Plath seems pretty harsh...

There's great emotion in this, but lot's of cliches, and a couple parts don't make sense. Also, some parts seem kind of blunt... (e.g. STAB STAB STAB!!)

But the emotion's very strong, and this definitely has potential. Like pretty much everyone else said, I suggest you polish this up a bit... maybe add some deeper thought or more unique imagery. See if you can revise it without dulling down the emotion.