Young Writers Society

Sometimes the things in my head prevent me from getting out of bed,
All I want to do is move my feet to the cold spots on my sheets,
That I used to find with you.

For once in my life I want to fall asleep in my own ocean blue bed
And let my clentched fists unfold
Pretend I was a happy kind of dead.

I'm regretting the times I was mean, and not really staying clean
I'm regretting my birthdate and the fact that I'm only fifteen
When it was dark and his car was in park
When his fingertips were touching mine
When he climbed into the tree and when I kissed his knee
We loved the stars but we couldn't find any.

God we were nervous,
With his heart beating and my mind constantly repeating
"I wish I didn't have to go home"
But with all the conversation we made
In the playground we layed
Our eyes fixed on eachother
Pupils dancing.

Everytime I kissed him or he kissed me
It was like I was caught in a whirlpool in the middle of the sea.
When he left he drove to his house, called me, tired and sighing
"I just didn't want to stop."
And I fell asleep as he was talking to me
in my ocean
blue bed
And I felt like I was a happy kind of dead.

I really liked this. Especially the "happy kind of dead" line.

You spelled "clenched" wrong in the 2nd stanza.

I didn't like the first two lines of the 3rd stanza. I would get rid of them altogether, or replace with something smoother, like "I regret not staying clean, I was only fifteen". And repeating "When" three times is a bit repetitive. I'm not really sure what to do about them, though. You're the author, see if you can't get rid of a couple without changing the meaning.

I think the "layed" in the fourth stanza should be "lay".

If you want to make this into a song, start with a good chorus that pretty much sums up what you want to say. Then fill in the details with the verses.

Overall, I liked this. Good job. :thumb:

ok, i don't know if you could make this into any other song but a slow one...and since i can't sing to you over the internet very well (nor do you want me to) i don't think that i can particually help you on that.

the rhythm was...ehh... but the poetic sense was great. i loved the first stanza and the "happy kind of dead" is very catchy, i'll admit.

question why is "i didn't want to stop" in quotes?

Thanks for all the help guys.
Id love more if its out there.
Your right, the whens are kind of annoying.
And I do need a chours.

seamonsters wrote:Sometimes the things in my head prevent me from getting out of bed,
All I want to do is move my feet to the cold spots on my sheets,
That I used to find with you.

For once in my life I want to fall asleep in my own ocean blue bed
And let my clentched fists unfold
Pretend I was a happy kind of dead.

I'm regretting the times I was mean, and not really staying clean
I'm regretting my birthdate and the fact that I'm only fifteen
When it was dark and his car was in park
When his fingertips were touching mine
When he climbed into the tree and when I kissed his knee
We loved the stars but we couldn't find any.

God we were nervous,
With his heart beating and my mind constantly repeating
"I wish I didn't have to go home"
But with all the conversation we made
In the playground we layed
Our eyes fixed on eachother
Pupils dancing.

Everytime I kissed him or he kissed me
It was like I was caught in a whirlpool in the middle of the sea.
When he left he drove to his house, called me, tired and sighing
"I just didn't want to stop."
And I fell asleep as he was talking to me
in my ocean
blue bed
And I felt like I was a happy kind of dead.

The first two stanzas were good. I liked the poem although, to me, it seemed there was a lot of forced rhyming.

hey this was a really good poem but i prefer the first two stanzas as well