Young Writers Society

If I had it my way, you'd be my poem.
I’d write you beneath bittersweet
Willows, weeping for lost
Seasons of ripening.
And you would flow from my pen
Like inspiration, and I would be possessed
By spirits of sleeping bards.

I’d fold you tenderly in eight
Simple creases, and slip you
Into my pocket, feeling your genius
Against my thigh
As I rush home to look at you
Freshly.

And at a second glance,
I see you are not flawless.
So, I rewrite my thoughts,
And the smudges and blots
Make you far more beautiful.

The only thing I had a problem with was this line:

So, I rewrite my thoughts,

It doesn't seem to flow with the rest of the poem. I liked it besides that. Flowed well and was a nice, light read.

I liked this. It seemed sweet and kind of simple, but in a good way.

Comparing someone you love to a poem (Is that right? Sorry if I'm getting the wrong message)... That's very original and cool. I love the second stanza, especially "feeling your genious against my thigh as I rush home to look at you freshly." Putting freshly on it's own line was really great. "I'd fold you tenderly in eight simple creases" was another bit I liked alot; it seems really gentle and loving.

I guess the only nitpick I have is that the third stanza, which was really good and fit well with the concept of the poem, just doesn't seem like an ending somehow. Like, I wanted just a litle bit more to complete it. I don't know what to suggest though...

Anyway, great poem. Thanks for posting.

EDIT: I like the title too.

timjim77 wrote:If I had it my way, you'd be my poem.
I’d write you beneath bittersweet
Willows, weeping for lost
Seasons of ripening.
And you would flow from my pen
Like inspiration, and I would be possessed
By spirits of sleeping bards.

I’d fold you tenderly in eight
Simple creases, and slip you
Into my pocket, feeling your genius
Against my thigh
As I rush home to look at you
Freshly.

And at a second glance,
I see you are not flawless.
So, I rewrite my thoughts,
And the smudges and blots
Make you far more beautiful.

Great concept. Great poem.

"I’d write you beneath bittersweet
Willows, weeping for lost"
Very nice.

I'd go on picking bits I like, but I realise I like it all.
Well done. Keep up the good work. :thumb:

I liked this- it was very sweet and tender. It really flowed nicely, and was very imaginative. There isn’t really anything for me to critique… at least in my opinion. Good job!