Young Writers Society

She remembers the soft tendrils of his hair
running through her hands,
the smooth planes of his face,
the soft line of his jaw.

She remembers how his soft hands
lovingly caressed her cheek,
how he whispered sweet nothings into her ear,
how he held her tight to his chest at night.

She remembers the fights they had,
the smashing of plates,
the yelling early in the morning,
the tears shed when no one was looking.

She remembers the day when it all ended,
when he got up and started packing,
when she acted like she didn't care,
when she cried all night after he left.

She remembers everything about him,
every touch,
every kiss,
every glance.

Because all she has at the end of the day
are her memories.

Ladyinpurple597,

Aw, bittersweet. What can I say, I liked it! Overall, I felt the meter and rhythm was well done, it certainly flowed nicely and I like how the repetition wasn't hindering. Normally, repetitive phrases are a shaky ground, but you managed to balance it quite nicely, so it was not too bad on the ears. The message was clear and it really hit home, well done!

Honestly, there's not much to pick at with this piece. It was well executed and your images worked and served its purpose there at the end. It's pretty flawless in that regard. The only thing I can think of to improve it is to add more specificity to it. I think since you're talking about memories - it will bring more impact if you talk about more specific memories.

For example, the images here:

the soft hair, planes of jaw, sweet nothings, embracing/chest, smashing plates, packing - all of these are quite general.

They work in that it is very simple and straightforward, and I like that aspect to it, too. It's not a bad thing. We can all relate - this man can be anyone fed up with a girl, similarly this girl can be anyone who didn't speak when she should've, and all this works together quite well already.

But, I wonder what would happen if instead of any man or any woman - you talk about a specific man and a specific woman, and instead of highlighting the generalities of a relationship - why not highlight what makes their relationship unique? This could just be for experimentation.

For example, you can say a voice is sweet like syrup. And there's an image there and the image does its job. We can relate, we've all heard sweet voices.

But if I were to be more specific, I would say his voice is more like strawberry soda pop. He's fun in your ears. Syrupy sweet with a slight fizz - and when you feel the full impact of his words, you realize the sting of its acidity.

Now, the sentiment is still there - but it's more developed. There's a person and a personality in this image. Maybe you haven't quite ever met a person whose voice is like this, but if I can get you to imagine it, and if I can evoke your senses more - then I will have taken a step to making the piece more unique, more memorable.

I hope this helps.

~ as always, Audy