Young Writers Society

You could still see
Where she pressed down the sand
Just a small place
In this huge old land

You could still hear
Where her soul couldn't breathe
Too many reasons
She had to grieve

You could still feel
Where her voice hit the air
So much to say
Nobody cared

You could still smell
Her tears on the ground
On all of the places
She had been found

You could still taste
All the hurt and fear
And the many reasons
You left her here

You could still know
That she wouldn't've died
Had you stopped just once
And turned to say hi

You could still see
Where the wind brushed her hand
Just a small piece
In the intricate plan

You could still hear
The words left unsaid
Had they been spoken
She wouldn't be dead.

Here I am as requested

Wow... that is amazing poetry for starters. Well done!
The first stanza is a little odd-sounding, the rhythm is slightly off, but all of the other stanzas are mellifuously written.
The end is also very good. I like that it makes the reader wonder about what words those were and why they were left unsaid.
This poem is actually really hard to review because it's so jaw-droppingly good! The vocabulary was a little repetitive and the whole issue with the first stanza that I explained about earlier were flaws, but other than those minor points, you did an amazing job and I will be happy to make reviews in the future for you

Hi!

So, I'm absolutely terrible at reviewing poetry, but I'm going to try my hardest to give you some constructive criticism. :]

You could still see
Where she pressed down the sand
Just a small place
In this huge old land

As a first stanza, I feel this should be stronger. The rhyme scheme of abcb is very simple and will only work with powerful words and brilliant imagery. You don't have any punctuation and that doesn't really bother me, but I know for some other readers, punctuation is really important.

Content wise, this isn't really showing me much.

You could still see where she pressed down the sand

Pressed down the sand with what? Her foot print? Her corpse? This is also awkward phrasing, because sand is not like a play-dough which is all attached and can be pushed down into the ground. Sand is thousands and thousands of little rocks that can't really be pushed down, but can only be pushed away. I hope that made sense.

Just a small place in this huge old land

To be honest, this is kind of bland and it doesn't say much to the writer. So, she pressed down the sand in a small place in a huge land? What does that mean? Where is the imagery in this?

You could still hear
Where her soul couldn't breathe
Too many reasons
She had to grieve

This one's a little better. The repetition with I assume, senses considering this is named 'sense' is nice and can be a fantastic idea if you work well with it. The second line is so far the best in the poem, but it's still kind of cliche. The next two lines are perhaps the worst yet. Too many reasons for her soul not to breathe? I didn't even realize souls could breathe? What are these reasons? Where did grieving come from? Who is she grieving? The rhyme in this was awkward and to be honest, I think you should kill the entire rhyme to begin with. You have more space to write when you aren't forced to find words that rhyme.

You could still feel
Where her voice hit the air
So much to say
Nobody cared

First line is fine. Second line is good, but I don't quite understand how one feels a voice. The last two lines are boring. Didn't like them, they disinterested me and made me feel like I was reading something a fourth grader wrote, to be honest. I see that you have some obvious talent for poetry, but it seems like you almost got bored of writing it and filled in the last two lines of every stanza with something simple and cliche. Also: Who is this nobody? Who is this character? We, as readers, have no emotional attachment to her because she remains this faceless, nameless irrelevant character who is surrounded by other faceless 'nobody' characters.

You could still smell
Her tears on the ground
On all of the places
She had been found

Tears don't exactly have the most ripe smell. Where is she crying and how are her tears falling to the ground? When someone cries, tears tend to fall down their face and make tracks along their cheeks. I've never seen someone cry so much they dampen the ground enough to make it smell. What do her tears smell like? Salt and the sea? Strawberries and acid? You are trying to tap into our senses to give us the feeling of being there, of knowing what's going on, yet you don't give us even the simplest of imagery to be able to smell the tears, to be able to hear her voice, a high falsetto, a hoarse whisper, a low lilt? What does her voice sound like? What do her tears smell like? What is she pressing down with on the sand and what does it look like. It's redundant to use sense-based words and then not explain further.

You could still taste
All the hurt and fear
And the many reasons
You left her here

Again, what does hurt taste like? A burning feeling in the back of the throat? And fear? Maybe a sort of bile, sickly sweet, like vomit from candy? How does one taste reasons? I know it's artistic license but you cannot tell me that she's tasting fear and expect me to understand what that tastes like.

You could still know
That she wouldn't've died
Had you stopped just once
And turned to say hi

You've stopped the sense "imagery" but this stanza just doesn't make logistical sense to me. If someone wanted to commit suicide, if I said hi to them once, I doubt that would have stopped them. In fact, it probably would have spurred forward their suicidal mission, because now all they will think about is how I once said hello and how I say hello to other people all the time and talk with other people and I never talk to her and how depressing, why not just die. You understand?

You could still see
Where the wind brushed her hand
Just a small piece
In the intricate plan

You've brought back the sense imagery, but again how do you see wind brushing one's hand. Wind is air and air is clear. >.>

The last two lines feel as if they should be deep and insightful on life or something but they're just not. They make no sense when put with the other two lines. What is this intricate plan, is she the small piece? What does any of this mean? Why should I care? This girl is irrelevant to me and since you haven't made me feel what she's feeling, see what she's seeing, tasting her fear and pain, I simply don't care. You'll lose many readers if you don't make them sympathetic to your characters.

You could still hear
The words left unsaid
Had they been spoken
She wouldn't be dead.

This is basically the stanza before the last, done better. It's a strong ending for a weak poem and it has to be the best yet.

*

Overall, please take everything I say with a grain of salt, because I haven't reviewed poetry in a verrrry long time and I'm not quite sure whether I've done any of it right. xD This has potential, this is literally, just exploding with potential, but honestly, what you've produced with this idea seems like something a bored fifth grader would do. The vocabulary is boring, the imagery is non-existent and most of the semblance of a plot is not logical. If you take at least two hours and really think this over, use powerful words to make things clear and please, get rid of the rhyme scheme,

you'll have something beautiful.

Grade: C

PM me with any questions or comments.

~Jas

Beautiful poem

Now I know nothing about writing or anything so don't take anything I say too critically or personal.

I think maybe the addition of a few commas and full stops would make it run smoother?

I agree with the person that said there is a strong ending for what seems a weaker poem in some areas, some of the stanzas don't have the same power of effect as the last few words.

You could still hear
The words left unsaid
Had they been spoken
She wouldn't be dead.

^^ A few discontinued dots at the very end would put some feeling of angst and mystery into her death (in my own opinion)

You could still hear
The words left unsaid
Had they been spoken
She wouldn't be dead...

This is Shooting Stars as requested! For starters, the beginning didn't have very much power to it. Try adding a little more Umph to it. However, I felt the other stanzas flowed nicely and were beautiful together. Like I said the very beginning should be the attention grabber.

ZlyWilk wrote:
You could still smell
Her tears on the ground
On all of the places
She had been found

I know someone mentioned this before but I don't really think that you should use the word "smell" here because tears don't have a very distinct scent.

I liked how the first lines of every stanza were connected by your use of wording, so great job! It made the entire poem feel like a whole and not choppy.

Overall it was well written poem with an interesting feel and concept to it. Try adding a few commas where they're needed, though, just to smooth it out a tad. This was a beautiful piece to read! Wonderful job and as always keep writing! Don't ever feel discouraged!
Hope this short review helped some. PM about any questions you may have.
---Shooting Stars