Young Writers Society

My own happiness
patches of sun on the valley floor

wherever that great rift opens, nomad
we are bound to Earth as movable stones
and nothing warms like

patches of sun on the valley floor

Hello UrbanNomad,

It's DreamingForever here to review your lovely poem! This was obviously a very short and simple poem. I think you tried to use that to your advantage though and if anything I think it had quite a positive effect on your writing. You have a very nice start here ad you have captured the emotional elements of your subject. Now I just have a few small nit picks and a bit of rough advice for next time.

This feels maybe a little bare and empty. This could may have quite possibly been caused by a lot of things but the most likely of those being the lack of punctuation which henceforth made it a bit choppy and almost feel half finished. I think if you took another look over this and made an effort with grammar etc. you'd probably find that it felt more wholesome.

My own happiness
patches of sun on the valley floor

The first stanza is a really good way to introduce your poem and I liked the way you dove straight into this and didn't use with long descriptive stanzas before finally getting to the real stuff. Again though- this does need description to complete it.

wherever that great rift opens, nomad
we are bound to Earth as movable stones
and nothing warms like

This was powerful, but perhaps a little confusing for the reader. Without punctuation it feel a bit chunky and in some places impossible to understand exactly what you mean. In this stanza I particularly liked the start of the second line: "we are bound to the earth".

patches of sun on the valley floor

I especially liked the repetition of this line at the beginning and at the end! I can imagine exactly what you're describing and it feels so simply perfect. This was definitely my favorite line of the piece and it ties everything together really nicely!

Overall a very nice poem that you have here urban! I really am excited to see what you write in the future and if you ever want another review then feel free to pester me about it, I'm always keen to review and I like your style a lot! Keep up the great writing!

From DreamingForever