Average

I really liked this poem! There was a strong emotion throughout. I also liked the way that you placed the words on the page, it really gave an impact. I also loved how you defined average at the beginning of your poem. I thought that was really unique! There was a nice flow throughout the poem, and even though it had that choppy effect, there was still a strong rhythm throughout.

I only have two suggestions: Try to add in more imagery into this poem. The words in this poem are powerful, but it also a lot of telling. Try to create more images and figurative language for the reader to see. I'm taking a creative writing class now, and that was a huge thing that my teacher talked about during our poetry unit.

Another suggestion: I think it would look and flow better, plus give more emphasis to the word, if you put "a chameleon." a space down, so that it is more on its own. I think it is a powerful part of your poem, and by separating it, then it will really stand out.

Just a typo here: true,
although i'd rather not admit it.

Anyways, overall I really enjoyed this poem! I was really unique and intesting. Lovely work! If you have any questions, then feel free to pm me

Hello. Review time.

I must say I did not like this poem. In fact, I might question whether this could even be called a poem. There are two things that separate poetry from other forms of writing: aesthetic language, and imagery/metaphor. This piece contains very little of either; it's just a set of sentences, enjambed for no apparent reason.

a word that
describes me?

average.

Too blunt. If you want to be blunt, write prose. Or an essay. Poetry by its very nature must be anything but straightforward in its meaning. Things must be other than what they seem, with small ideas representing greater ideas. Here is a single idea, served to the audience on a plate. It's not even pretty either. It's just an obvious rhetorical question that you immediately answer (and thus defeat the purpose of a rhetorical question).

the definition:

typical.
common.
ordinary.

Lists! The bane of the poet's soul! I learned this one the hard way; Kamas has torn me to shreds for it more than once. Write a list or write poetry, you cannot do both at once.

i blend in everywhere.

but nowhere.
a chameleon.

Ok, some semblance of imagery. It's a good start, but it's just that: a start. You have the seed of an image (i.e. a chameleon blending in), but you have to expand on it. You're talking about not being noticed, and a chameleon is a pretty obvious parallel. You must always avoid obvious images; if I could think of the image myself, why do I need to read your poem? Do something with the chameleon that I wouldn't have thought of myself. Make me say "oh yeah! I'd never thought of it like that before."

the
spotlight
runs

from

me,

Again, the seed of an image. But what is a spotlight passing over you like? Is it cold or hot? Quiet or loud? Does it hurt? Is it a relief? What thing in nature does it remind you of? What sensation does it give you? What does that sensation make you think of? Are you happy or sad that the spotlight has passed? Do you wish it had never found you at all? Do you wish you were the one operating the light rather than the subject of it? Come on, I know what I think a spotlight is like, what I want to know is what you think a spotlight is like.

but i still exist.

Barely.

Alright, a bit of a twist in the tail. I like that. But how do you feel about barely existing? Are you gasping and struggle for life? Do you wish you could be finished off and put out of your misery? You've given me a glimpse, and it's disappointing to be left with just a glimpse.

Ok, so it is not all bad. I liked the short lines and large gaps. It gives it an interesting visual quality on the page, and the short, punchy lines give it the disjointed, disconnected feel you're obviously going for. Nice.
Also, it's obvious that you have something to say. Good. That is vital. There are many who have a lot of pretty words but actually say nothing. Having guts and grit and blood instead of ink is the only place to start when it comes to poetry. You can teach technique, but you can't teach grit. You either have it or you don't, and you have it.

Ok, in summing up: Silentwords hit it on the head. MORE IMAGERY! The whole point of a poem is to make your audience fully understand the way YOU think about an idea. The only way to do this is describe the idea by equating it or contrasting it to other ideas. I don't want you to tell me your ideas, I want you to force me to think about your ideas in the same way you do. Make sense?

As always, PM me for discussion.

K.

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