Young Writers Society

I didn't really spend much time on this. Maybe 10-15 minutes, so i hope it's good.
This poem was inspired by the quote "Was may sometimes be a necessary evil, but no matter how necessary, it is always an evil. Never a good." ~Jimmy Carter (I do believe...). Anyways! Hope you like it! Critique needed!

War should never be glorious,
There is no honor in death.
War should never be celebrated,
When it means a society’s final breath.

War may sometimes be a necessary evil,
But necessity does not change evil to good.
War may often be the only option,
But that doesn’t mean it should.

Those who die for their countries,
Are the bravest who’ve ever been.
But the necessity for death
Should always be counted as sin.

Take for example the necessity,
For Bin Laden to die.
It was celebrated throughout the nation,
But what gives us the right?

We had no choice, we did the right thing,
But what people need to see,
Is that death is a cause of great anguish and pain,
No matter who’s death that might be.

A soul is a soul. A life is a life.
And many more examples there will be.
But war is always an evil, never a good,
No matter the necessity.

Hello there!

Did you really write this in ten-ish minutes?! It is really very good! I think my favourite part is the very beginning and the end, it just brought it up the concluded very nicely.

Now for a stanza by stanza review

first stanza:

War should never be glorious,
There is no honor in death.
War should never be celebrated,
When it means a society’s final breath.

I loved this! it seemed to be a very good opening stanza. One thing that'd bugging me, is that the first two lines don't seem connected.. perhaps a semi-colon instead?

second stanza:

War may sometimes be a necessary evil,
But necessity does not change evil to good.
War may often be the only option,
But that doesn’t mean it should.

Being a peace loving girl, I completely agree and Ilove how this all fits together perfectly.

third stanza:

Those who die for their countries,
Are the bravest who’ve ever been.
But the necessity for death
Should always be counted as sin.

this was good too...but something about the second and fourth line throw me off... it's probably just me though(x

fourth stanza:

Take for example the necessity,
For Bin Laden to die.
It was celebrated throughout the nation,
But what gives us the right?

I'm not sure why, but I didn't really like this stanza and I noticed there was no rhyme here. To make this flow better, I would change the wording a bit? but your call

fifth stanza:

We had no choice, we did the right thing,
But what people need to see,
Is that death is a cause of great anguish and pain,
No matter who’s death that might be.

Hmm.. the first line, I think might also need a semi-colon? maybe? haha The third line also seems a bit too long, but i like the idea it brings across about people needing to understand.

sixth stanza:

A soul is a soul. A life is a life.
And many more examples there will be.
But war is always an evil, never a good,
No matter the necessity.

Perfect ending the second line seems a bit awkward, but it's probably just me.

i really enjoyed this poem!!
keep writing!

cheska

Considering that you did this in 10-15 minutes, this is really goo! The metering is a little off, with syllable counts, but I am suer that you can get that fixed up right away with a minimal amount of editing. You seem to be a good writer, so I trust you.

Though... er... I want to point out a slight grammar mistake!

No matter who’s death that might be. <-- "who's" should be "whose."

Anyway!

I loved your phrasing. I love how direct it is and how unapologetic it is, especially in the beginning stanzas and the very end. The only problem that I have is the middle where Bin Laden is talked about. I am really hesitant about this part because this dates the poem, and I would rather have my poetry timeless.

To make it slightly stranger, it sounds like you are throwing in this as a way to prove your point as to why war is bad and should not be celebrated. So, this gives this poem more of an essay feeling than a poetic feeling, if this makes sense. I mean, poetry is usually very passionate (though it can be kind of clinical at times) however your poem is like, "To prove my point, in this historical event, his probably shouldn't have been celebrated."

That is not to say that poetry should not be dated, of course. For instance, I love Ballad of Birmingham. But, the poem carries weight because of the huge emotional content when you realize that her baby has been blown up to the point where only the child's shoe can be seen... everything else is ash. So, that has a huge emotional weight to it. But this is less so because it describes the event so clinically. It sounds as if you are trying to justify your poem. Poetry shouldn't be justified though, I think. It should just clangor out.

Anyway, just a couple of thoughts! This was very good as a free-write though.

I can relate to this poem because when Bin Laden died, I seemed to be the only one out of my friends who saw it as murder, though, of course, it was justified. Same goes with war.
There are slight rhythm errors, but the poem has a good message and is enjoyable to read.
Keep working on it!!!

wewinwelose,

I have some simple questions, but they only apply if you are planning to further improve this piece. What is poetry to you? And what is your intent with this poem? We all have our own ideas about the craft, and that is great, because we end up with a variety of different poems from different people - but no matter what, I think we can all agree that poetry is a medium of writing and expressing oneself, and so for that you've nailed it.

Your poem takes you straight to the point. I think it's very clear and direct and the message is there, for something that took you 10 minutes, the piece portrays your viewpoint and states your idea - but that's all it does. If your intention is to debate a viewpoint, then I would say your argument is poor. I hope that is not your intention though, because poetry can be a difficult medium for debating. If you intend to be insightful, or memorable, or to lead the readers with an experience, then it could use a little work.

If you're writing an essay then yes, straight-forward, to the point, didactic is the way to go. But in poetry, when it comes to leaving the readers with an experience, then the more specific imagery, the more detailed the scenes, then you can provide a more vivid experience for your readers. It's like what we always say around here: "Show, don't tell."

Right now, we have a poem of ideas - but not of imagery, I'm not in the poem, or a part of it, but rather distant from it. Try to utilize more of the senses and of creating scenes or images. Use metaphors, similes! Don't just throw in words about glory, honor, good, or evil - these words are intangible and abstract. They don't tell us anything. "Honor" in America/Europe would be different than "honor" in Eastern countries, or "Honor" in Africa, or other third-world countries. The word will have a different meaning to each individual, so really, you're making vast generalities, that may or may not be accurate - and yet they say that poetry aims for precision!

Precision comes from choosing the right word. If there are hundreds of thousands of words in the English language, then it means there's a lot at your disposal, and there's got to be a very deliberate method to your choices.

Here's an example off of a piece I was working on:
"I possess an iron-clad will to set the skies ablaze if I could"

The only problem with this line was that the phrase "iron-clad" was too cliche, and so eventually, and through much perusing, I decided to change it to "cigarette-fuming", and it might sound a little funny or awkward-looking, but it described my sentiments perfectly. It uses imagery, and metaphor to liken the speaker's will to a cigarette addiction. All it took was a little brainstorming and an avoidance of cliches and abstractions. Word choice can really add color to your pieces.

So I come to my next point: images. You talk about the horrors of war instead of painting a picture about the horrors of it. Horrors tell us nothing. But decapitated bodies, bloodied fields, fumes of smoke across horizons, these images show us something and tell us a story all on its own. And generally, these sorts of things are a lot more fun to write! So be creative with it and have fun with it!

I don't see this as a bad piece, but I do see a lot of ideas, and a great deal of potential for this to be a great piece!

I hope this helps,

~ as always, Audy