Young Writers Society

When you touch me
I feel rain,
running down my spine,
like a thunderstorm in mid july.
You look at me
like I'm perfect,
but I'm not, thats for sure.
I lose it when your arms,
wrap around my waist,
so safe and secure,
their is nothing like you touching me.
Every pore of my body opens to your love,
it engulfs me perfectly.
Moving on is no longer a option,
im frozen to this spot in eternity.
The world stops when our hands meet,
it's pure electricity.
The intesity scares me,
we are so young,
but who cares?
When you touch me nothing matters,
it's you and me.
Love makes sense with you in it,
especially when your kissing me.

The thing that I love most in the poem is probably the examples you use to describe how the speaker's feels when the person of interest does, well, anything. It flows well in the center, but the opening verses and closing verses seem a bit...awkward? For lack of a better word. I'll explain it better once we cross that bridge. There are a few grammatical mistakes in this; proofreading can fix typos. And I'll point out and explain some commonly misspelled words in here. Now, let's get to work...

- Grammar/Punctuation

like a thunderstorm in mid-jJuly.

July needs to be capitalized because it's a proper noun.

The hyphen needs to be in between mid and July. Normally, prefixes and suffixes combine with the root word to form one complete word. This rule has an exception with proper nouns. So you use a hyphen to join the two together. The rules for hyphens are a little confusing; if you need a source for examples, I suggest this link.

but I'm not, that's for sure.

Apostrophe in that's to show that it's a contraction.

theirthere is nothing like you touching me.

Their is used when showing possession of more than two living things, whereas there is used to describe a place or a situation vaguely if used by itself. Be sure you don't confuse the two.

imI'm frozen to this spot in eternity.

I by itself is always capitalized, including in contractions, because it's combining it with another word, but if you pick it apart, the I is still there.

Apostrophe for the contraction I am.

especially when you're kissing me.

or

especially when youryou are kissing me.

The your you're talking about is the equivalent of saying you are, so you can either choose to put in the contraction with the apostrophe and e at the end, or make it into two words: you are

When you touch me, nothing matters,;
it's you and me.

or

When you touch me, nothing matters,.
iIt's you and me.

The comma because of the natural pause there. The semicolon or period at the end of the first verse that's quoted because of the full sentence.


- Wording/Flow

When you touch me
I feel rain,
running down my spine,
like a thunderstorm in mid july.

When I read the first verse, I wasn't expecting the others to follow immediately after. To me, it doesn't seem to fit very well. I think if you change I feel rain to It feels like rain, it might flow a little better, but that's a suggestion. As for the thunderstorm in mid-July, how does that make the character feel? Obviously, it makes her feel like they're in a thunderstorm in the middle of July...but what does that feel like to the speaker? What makes that analogy so significant that it's worth mentioning? Elaborate a little more on it.

You look at me
like I'm perfect,
but I'm not, thats for sure.

It seems like this rhyme is forced. If you want to keep a uniformed rhyming pattern, then try it with an assonance, or with a different word with a different set of verses behind it. I'm just not really feeling this set of verses, even though you conveyed what the speaker thinks of themselves and what the person of interest thinks, I think you can do it a little more eloquently. But at least you conveyed the idea bluntly, if anything.

Moving on is no longer a option,
im frozen to this spot in eternity.

Can you elaborate on the moving on part? Were the two never officially together in the beginning, did they split up, does she realize that she's not going to move on if they split up...?

The world stops when our hands meet,
it's pure electricity.
>>
The intesity scares me,
we are so young,
but who cares?

I think you could describe the electricity a little more where the highlighted arrows are. You're scared of the intensity, but how much was the intensity? Do you know what I'm saying? Not saying try and measure it in volts, unless you want to get technical(which is perfectly okay as well), but compare it to something, or just elaborate on it more. Like saying how it might consume your body with jitters or just the numbing sensation it causes to your brain, etc. Get specific, even if it's only for one or two more verses.

When you touch me nothing matters,
it's you and me.

Spacing-wise, I think it might go better if you went to the next line at the comma, but that's more like personal preference.

Love makes sense with you in it,
especially when your kissing me.

This was the awkward-ish last two verses I was talking about earlier in the review. You get to the first verse that quoted and then you read the last one, then END. It seems a little...sudden, I think that word works better here. I expected it to go on a little more. Maybe you can describe the speaker's feelings when the person of interest is kissing them? I don't really have any specific suggestions for this one.

The flow breaks a few times in the poem, which can be fixed if you nitpick the verses. I think poetry, personally, is one of the hardest pieces of literature to produce a clean cut, shiny diamond from the first try. It requires a lot of work to just spit out words and have them in a uniformed pattern, rhyme appropriately, flow well, cut into stanzas, or be descriptive. This one has potential, I can see that. Add some more descriptions, especially about the speaker's feelings. Even though most of the poem conveys what they're feeling, take it a step further with the comparisons, like I said above with the electricity part.

This piece is good. Keep it up. :]

To start, this is a lovely poem. The descriptions are simple and clean, leaving the poem light, but emotionally charged. That being said, there are a few grammatical errors, here and there. With "mid july", small parts where you miss apostrophes in 'thats' and 'im' (some capitalization), some spelling is a little off. (The review above gives an excellent breakdown of the poem, if it's alright that I mention that.) It's pulls together nicely as an overall piece, you just might like to work on the flow between stanzas. Nothing a second look won't take care of, the heart is already there. The subject conveys a sense of dizzy exultation, caught in choppy waters with her love serving as the anchor. I liked how it left me with both a sense of overwhelming joy, and a little fear for the future, like standing on a precipice. Again, you write a lovely piece.

Hey there! I could start off with all the spelling mistakes, but I saw that at least one other person already got that.

So instead I'll start off with commas.

CONTRARY TO POPULAR BELIEF, commas do NOT go at the end of every line of a poem. Although the lines are broken up, you still only use commas where they make sense. A good way to check this is to rewrite the poetry in prose form (i.e., put the lines back together so that it looks like a paragraph) and see if your commas still make sense. If they don't, get rid of them! Here's an example:

"When you touch me I feel rain, running down my spine, like a thunderstorm in mid july. You look at me like I'm perfect, but I'm not, thats for sure. I lose it when your arms, wrap around my waist, so safe and secure, their is nothing like you touching me."

All the commas in red are commas that either shouldn't be there at all or should be other punctuation. Like I said, there are also many spelling errors (i.e., the last "their" should be "there"), but other people caught those for you, so just fix them.

The other thing is: More imagery! You've got a start - you've got things like "your arms wrap around my waist" and stuff like that, but that's very bland. Spice it up! Replace some of the simple stuff with imagery and metaphor. For examples, the very beginning of this poem: "When you touch me I feel rain running down my spine like a thunderstorm in mid-July." That is great! Try to do more of that.

Hope this helped,
Blue