Young Writers Society

You don't understand what pain you create,
you are a devastating tornado,
Coming and ripping lives apart,
and leaving behind you sorrow and pain.
You leave a trail of blood and bones,
for whoever wants to find you.

You lash out suddenly,
tearing apart whoever stands in your way.
You never know when you might strike,
the possibility looms over everyone.
You stealthily attack your victim,
pouncing on them like a leopard.

Havoc and distress,
common wherever you may be.
You cannot be calmed,
you are an untamed beast.
Your spirit is a spitting fire,
which burns you whenever you come close.

But I have seen a light in you,
that shines brightly when you think no one is watching.
I have seen your eyes soften,
I have noticed you show kindness.
I have watched as you shake your head in doubt,
when you cause pain.

Regret and sadness,
are etched into your eyes.
I have noticed the passion,
that you have sometimes.
It is painful to see how hurt you are,
by the pain you cause...

I'll admit, I didn't really understand the title until the last stanza. I sense alot of emotion, feeling, and personal vendetta behind this. I very much unsterstand what you're trying to put through, but it didn't seem to be as profound as it could have been. Also there were a few minor spelling errors. Again though, I love the feeling put out through this. I really could see it all over the words. Altogether, lovely poem.

cool poem and cool avvie :P x

All i can say is wow. I love how you worded everything you are a really good writer you should keep writing poems.

Wow, I'm speechless. I loved it so much. You're very talented. I don't know how you could make this poem any better than it already is. Way to go.

Keep writing.

Sincerely,
Ciara<3

You don't understand what pain you create,you are a devastating tornado,Coming and ripping lives apart,and leaving behind you sorrow and pain.You leave a trail of blood and bones,for whoever wants to find you.You lash out suddenly,tearing apart whoever stands in your way.You never know when you might strike,the possibility looms over everyone.You stealthily attack your victim, pouncing on them like a leopard.Havoc and distress,common wherever you may be.You cannot be calmed,you are an untamed beast.Your spirit is a spitting fire,which burns you whenever you come close.But I have seen a light in you,that shines brightly when you think no one is watching.I have seen your eyes soften,I have noticed you show kindness.I have watched as you shake your head in doubt,when you cause pain.Regret and sadness,are etched into your eyes.I have noticed the passion,that you have sometimes.It is painful to see how hurt you are,by the pain you cause...

Awesome poem and a lot of originality!!
I looks like you have put a lot of emotion and time in to this poem. It's beautiful and the reader (as for me) do feel the confusion .

To say the least I enjoyed reading this ! - keep writting!

Hi!~
I really like your poem. It's so original and the idea behind it is impressive. I like how you portrayed it. I <3 this poem.

DreamingForever wrote:You never know when you might strike,
the possibility looms over everyone.

To admit, this line confused me a bit. Do you mean the you doesn't know himself when he might strike? Or like WE/ No one knows ...?

DreamingForever wrote:You never know when you might strike,
the possibility looms over everyone. I feel it would be better as `looming'
You stealthily attack your victim,
pouncing on them like a leopard. In the last line victim is singular right? So shouldn't them be him? Or you can even make it victims.

DreamingForever wrote:Your spirit is a spitting fire,
which burns you whenever you come close.

I love this line. Really.

DreamingForever wrote:You cannot be calmed,
you are an untamed beast.

I think it would be better as a semi-colon.

DreamingForever wrote:But I have seen a light in you,
that shines brightly when you think no one is watching.
I have seen your eyes soften,
I have noticed you show kindness.
I have watched as you shake your head in doubt,
when you cause pain.

Me likey this paragraph.
It's a lovely poem and keep writing!
<3 Angel

Hey, Dreaming!

I like the concept of this piece and the fact that you've laid it out in a very simplistic, almost prose-y kind of way. This is an endearing story with a great plot to accompany such a personal narration. I like that as the story unfolds and more of the premise is unveiled, that we have a better understanding of this 'beast' and that he/she is the one who was suffering all along. Angel above me has already pointed out the uncertainties that I felt towards the poem as well. So there's not much to correct you on.

Though, what I would suggest is making all those tall and far too stretched out lines shorter by dissecting them so that the poem has a neat structure to it. Sometimes, reading those lines can be a real mouthful for the reader. Even out the edges more by adding more metaphors and a little bit more description on the state of the narrator and the bond between the narrator and the other persona since I feel the narrator's tone to be of a personal one.

All in all, this poem is great and certainly delves into the plot well with a great ending. I'm looking forward to reading more! Keep the ink flowing

Murtuza