Young Writers Society

Bulwark (Nautical)
a solid wall that encloses a deck to protect people or objects


Polish our iron love so that it never rusts.
Bathe it in solution; scrape off the salty crusts.
Pray it ever grows like pearl within our welded heart,
and pray our fates do not unfurl to winds that blow apart.

Hey, Kyllorac!

Yes, I'm a big rhyming fan as well! And this is a great piece! short and lovely, quite charming too.

Just a suggestion, but I believe that the poem would look a lot better if aligned towards the centre I know it's a weird suggestion, but the sort of 'step' formation you've got going on here doesn't really look so appealing for some reason (at least to me ). But even if you keep it the way it is left-aligned to emphasize on the rhyme, it's still a great poem.

Pray it ever grows like pearl within our welded heart,

The 'ever' part for me sounds like you're trying too hard for it to be poetic. Also, adding a semi-colon after 'grows' and a full-stop after 'heart' would give it smoother flow.

and pray our fates do not unfurl to winds that blow it apart.

Similarly, as for the last line, if you added a semi-colon after 'unfurl', it would sound much better.

All in all, a fine poem. And I'm glad to have read it! Keep the ink flowing

Murtuza

Kyllorac,

So here's what I have: upon first reading, I got the sense this was about maintaining a relationship. I rather like the metaphor. My mind automatically goes: okay, ships are "she" and the sailors are always a bunch of males as they never allowed women on board. So as a woman myself, I enjoyed this thought of a male maintaining his ship as he would a relationship ^_~ because when I think of sailors scrubbing at the iron etc, I really get the sense of labor - you know, sweaty foreheads and strong, muscular guys all working together and such. And the fact that you even used the word "iron" - you know? Something that is cold and tough and needs a lot of tending. This must be some hard-headed woman. I also get this idea of unity- you know? Unity is absolutely crucial because if the ship sinks, then it's all over - you drown. So, definitely - the first two lines of the piece are the strongest in my opinion.

I do love the sounds and I love the imagery, but I cannot say that I connect with the speaker or that this piece is as memorable as Lune was for me.

I think there is distance, as you mentioned. I like the imperative voice - I feel it makes the poem unique, but at the same time, it's commanding (like a Captain?) and cold as well. When I compare it to Lune, in that piece, we have a moment where the speaker breaks down and mourns. So as a reader, I can connect with that.

In here, there's no such moment. There are only commands and while I can sympathize, I cannot connect. Even still, I feel the imperative voice also gives it it's strength - so I'm torn, really. I do like what you have here on its own and I can appreciate it, as a reviewer though - it's almost like I'm forced to search and prod for what it lacks D;

Though, I could also be missing some key details. That's a possibility as well.

~ as always, Audy

Hi Kyll!

It’s been forever and a day since I last looked at your works, I think. So it’s about time I had a good look at something. Firstly, I like your title and the description as significant indications of content and intended meaning, they’re both very clear and that helps give us a good first impression of the poem. Particularly in such a short poem, the title’s pretty key, it also just sounds nice.

To the poem itself, I think you’re missing the key elements of personal connection here. I’m not sure if you wanted to relate that to the idea of the iron, the ship, the isolation of the sea? But the poem is clearly about two lovers, who seem to have an incredible amount of dedication and affection for one another. I see the symbolism you’re using, comparing the love to the strength of iron, as well as it’s prohibitive nature – no one is describing love as glass here, transparent and delicate, instead you’ve chosen practical and strong but hidden and closed in. The relationship is one which alienates others, no doubt (perhaps a taboo, forbidden love?) and it becomes deformed by the environment it lives in – salt and barnacles. It’s sweet, tough but sweet.

It’s also really obvious. You’ve got little to no subtlety here, and I’m not sure if this is because you want to avoid the nonsense of frilly, purple poetry or not. What happens, because of this, is that we don’t feel anything from the poem, we get to the end and say “okay, so?’ Because you’ve given us nothing to run with. Four lines of the same thing repeated consistently. I want to say it’s okay because it’s a short poem, but I mostly feel like you could be doing better to give us a stronger, more interesting image of love. Unbreakable or otherwise. I’d lose the pearl line and stick more to the nautical, I’m willing to be there are some really beautiful nautical terms which would work for you without it being so obvious or so typical.

I’d keep the idea but revamp the language. Any questions, hit me up.
-Penguin.