Young Writers Society

We're Going Numb

Caress me whereas I do not veil,
This is the time of rush and hail.
Weep later- now appeal my embrace,
The latter of us will fall from grace.

Teach me not of happiness now,
Love is the one important vow.
I want you to kiss me until we frail apart,
Devil! My soul is for sale but spare my heart.

We can dance into eternity darling,
But I have this impulse just to sing.
Sing about the end, sing about death,
But my lungs are on fire I’ve lost my breath.

Look at me look at how my beauty tarnishes,
Look at the world see how it vanishes.
I cannot seem to remember how to smile,
Please won’t you smile at me a short while.

Just make me see a glimpse of the past,
Because we both know, the future won’t last.
I’ve seen it all play out in my dreams,
Honey believe me, it’s worse than it seems.

Do you see my tears, mix with the rain,
We both know I’m crying in vain.
Listen to the silence for it is all you’ll ever hear,
Look at the sunset – the end is near.


Embrace me,
Touch and kiss me,
Can you feel me?
'Cause I can’t feel you.

We're going numb.

Wow, this is beautiful!I could really feel the emotion from your words. Just be careful with your punctuation. I am not sure if you like to put periods at the end of your statements in poetry, but to me it comes off more polished and clean. However, if you like to write without periods, then keep going with it.

Good job!

I really loved this poem! Great work! I don't see any errors really.

We can dance into eternity darling
But I have this impulse just to sing It doesn't seem to rhyme!!!
Sing about the end, sing about death
But my lungs are on fire I’ve lost my breath

The second line doesn't really fit though, like as in all your other stanzas you rhyme, I just don't see the same thing or the rhythm.

Do you see my tears, mix with the rain
We both know I’m crying in vain
Listen to the silence for it is all you’ll ever hear
Look at the sunset – the end is near I LOVED THIS!!!

This is an amazing piece. It has everything- You portrayed perfect emotions!

However, the lack of punctuations was a problem.

Caress me whereas I do not veil
This is the time of rush and hail
Weep later- now appeal my embrace
The latter of us will fall from grace

This stanza is appealing to the reader.. Good job.

Teach me not of happiness now << "Teach me of happiness, but not now" I think that sounds better
Love is the one important vow
I want you to kiss me until we frail apart
Devil! My soul is for sale but spare my heart

The last line made my heart go boom boom

We can dance into eternity darling
But I have this impulse just to sing << Doesn't rhyme with the first line.
Sing about the end, sing about death
But my lungs are on fire I’ve lost my breath

This stanza is good, but since the flow is interrupted.. It kind of loses it's grace. I recommend you change that. Also, the sudden use of comma indicates that the reader must only pause in that particularly line.

Look at me look at how my beauty tarnishes
Look at the world see how it vanishes
I cannot seem to remember how to smile
Please won’t you smile at me a short while

Your grace is back!

Just make me see a glimpse of the past
Because we both know, the future won’t last
I’ve seen it all play out in my dreams
Honey believe me, it’s as bad as it seems

Instead of "as bad".. I think "it's worse than it seems" will sound more powerful.

Do you see my tears, mix with the rain
We both know I’m crying in vain
Listen to the silence for it is all you’ll ever hear
Look at the sunset – the end is near

Amazing

Embrace me,
Touch and kiss me,
Can you feel me?
I can’t feel you.

How about "because I can't feel you?"

The use of words is very less compared to other stanzas. But I still loved the finishing however so

Over all, amazing piece! Hoping to read more

awesome! I love it, it's very clear and kind of makes me think of Evanescence music.

Demoness,

I love this poem and I have a challenge for you: rewrite without the rhyme. The sentiment and contents in this is absolutely lovely, but the rhymes aren't anything new and felt forced to me. I feel like: wow, this is a great voice and a great idea, but you're limiting yourself trying to get it to rhyme.

Try to experiment with meter and rhythm, you'll find it's a lot easier and gives you more freedom!

That being said, I'll move on to the specifics.

I want you to kiss me until we frail fall? apart,
Devil! My soul is for sale but spare my heart.

"frail apart" sounds a bit awkward. Though I don't like "fall apart" much because its cliche. But I love that line! "my soul is for sale but spare my heart." I just feel it really captures our mindset nowadays

We can dance into eternity darling,
But I have this impulse just to sing.
Sing about the end, sing about death,
But my lungs are on fire; I’ve lost my breath.

You get really musical here all of a sudden. xD your first two stanzas begin to sound weak when compared to this one. Watch your commas and punctuation and such - read over this and make sure you have commas in the right place, there are places that are lacking them. Also, the "crying in rain" part is so cliche xD But I do love the ending. I love that desperation in the voice, and I love that last line. We're going numb indeed.

Keep writing, Demoness. I feel as tough your writing has a powerful and lovely voice behind it.

~ as always, Audy