Young Writers Society

I love you
through the
ten thousand matches
you burn
into my arms.
As you make me
step on your
face-laying
in a tablespoon
of alcohol.
You
cough and sputter
gasoline
into my eyes,
then light a fire
to produce tears.
I pick through
your happiness
and eat your
insecurities,
wiping my mouth
with a blood staind
napkin.
Invisible gray hairs
are plucked
from you head
by the crunching
of a car.
I watch your
jaw
drip down
leaving stains
on your shirt
that remind me
of tender connection.
Red lips
slide down-your body
and bite out
your liver
leaving scars.
I love you
as you laugh
at the gun,
teasing it
till it fires,
leaving me alone
to play with
matches
as I watch
you burn.

Hi, call me Written and I'll be your reviewer for the time being.

My first impression of this poem was a little something like this: "Whoa, a pyromancer poem, but as I took a look a bit further down I went... Ok-ay... Maybe not so much."

All in all you've got a good poem here, I like the way you've chopped it up and done a free-verse poem but I think you need to put a little bit more into giving the reader an idea as to what this poem is about. You shouldn't just go "Figure it out" and then never consider that the reader may as well scratch their head, pull out their hair and re-read the poem until their eyes fall out trying to see the idea behind it. That's not how it works. You're the writer, the author, your supposed to tell the story in a way the reader can see and understand.

What I am understanding from this poem (it may be completely different than that of the next person) is that the entire poem revolves around danger. That two people love each other through the dangers they experience together, maybe a forbidden love? I'm seeing that this girl and boy love each other and take risks, thrilling themselves to experience danger unlike any other. I'm getting things tied together, so it could also mean that there's a certain fascination to the whole dangerous experiences and the two of these people are realizing that love is dangerous in itself not just the obstacles that come with it... --- So that was my idea as to what this poem was about; I may even be completely wrong. Maybe it was just about a girl loving fire or something... but I thought this poem was very good.

Alright, now I think that the poem could go better with some stanzas but it works well enough the way you have it so I'll just point out the few errors that I noticed.

"As you make me/ step on your / face-laying" << Alright, face-laying ... Remove the dash, it is unnecessary. If you wanted to add a pause maybe you could put a space between the dash and laying to make it seem as though it's not one word. Just a suggestion.

"Wiping my mouth/ with a blood staind/ napkin." << stained, it has an "e" .

"I watch your/ jaw / drip down" << I think you may mean drop ; not drip.

"Red lips/ slide down-your body..." << Why is there a dash? In this case you should remove it.


The ending is very well done, I love the dramatic sense that everything returns to revolve around the matches... I'm assuming he shot himself because he couldn't deal with the danger, or even because he didn't love her anymore ... so she burned his memory and in a sense burned him... ?

Overall ; I liked this poem. You have great potential as a poet and I think that you should continue. Take my words into consideration and don't take them too much to heart. I'll check in on other things that you've done if you ever need some opinion or review.

Write on,
~Written.

Hi there, Flower~Child!

Hey, I like this. You managed to give us a great imagery and you expressed everything neatly and originally. Although, I have something to suggest... you could try to make your lines a bit longer and create stanzas, too. I don't know about others, but the way you wrote it makes me get lazy. Perhaps people would appreciate your writing more, if you make it look more neat, before they read it. As they say, "the first impression counts". xD Though, that's just my personal opinion, and I wouldn't change one word from it. You did a great job!

~Solly<3

First and foremost, I'm going to start of with what I'm sure you expected to hear from me, seeing as I'm pretty blatant about this certain topic in poetry.

This was everywhere and back.

I love your imagery and I love the fact that this connected in a sense that the two ascertained people in this story are causing each other tremendous pain. I love the fact that you bypass structure and go straight into this without with guns blazing, but what I cannot agree with is the way in which this jumps.

You see, I would have loved to see you connecting not just with pain but with imagery as well. Fire is one thing, and you brought it back, but it did not connect, as if two completely different variances on the topic. At first, you speak of fire as being a sort of torture method (hypothetically, of course), which I had taken as a more emotional torture. An inner, fiery struggle. A backlash of words. When you spoke of dousing gasoline in her eyes and lighting it to produce tears, that took a who different turn, and not a comfortable turn. Sort of making the reader stretch their limits out in trying to ascertain what that could have meant. In my thoughts, I placed the idea of fire as back-lashing which caused tears, but fire that scorches her arms in hundreds of matches sounds like that would also cause a lot of physical and emotional pain to begin with.

And then we sort of push past fire completely and go into this sort of eating frenzy. Eating livers, eating insecurities. Its a lot to take in all at once and because of the fragmented way in which you wrote, the idea comes in fragmented sentences so its rather hard to piece it all together into one coherent thought process.

That's it, I suspect. That I saw the pain, and I saw the insecurities that caused it, but on an emotional level, I was so distraught with how the poem pushed itself across that I had a lot of trouble really enjoying and finding that connection. And that connection is so important. So relevant.

Now, as it goes grammatically (not going to get overly picky about punctuation due to the fragmented nature of this), there were a few instances I crinkled my nose at, such as;

that remind me
of tender connection.

When I saw this, my mind instinctively put the 'a' after 'of'. Its those little things that really pick up to a first time reader of the poem, and its those things that will ultimately ruin this.

You have a talent for imagery and a talent for getting into your writing with an almost completely visceral take on things with lots of (mostly unnecessary) enjambment and three worded lines. Its just getting that imagery to connect. Getting those thoughts into one coherent line. It may look poetic and interesting to see all of those thoughts piled on together, but in the long run, it won't help you.

Keep writing. You've got the makings of a fantastic poet.

~Walker

Hahaha! This poem reflects perfect hatred and man, I enjoyed reading this.

However, as I started reading, the lack of punctuations pricked me.

Time to review ;D

I love you
through the
ten thousand matches
you burn
into my arms.

First sentence traps the reader. For me it was like this "Man, another love poem. Ugh" Yes, I just broke up

As you make me
step on your
face-laying
in a tablespoon
of alcohol.

THIS, made me say "ohwait... what"

You
cough and sputter
gasoline
into my eyes,
then light a fire
to produce tears.

My favorite part

I pick through
your happiness
and eat your
insecurities,
wiping my mouth
with a blood staind
napkin

Stained* However, I caught this mistake the third time I was reading it. Since I wanted to proceed and see what happens next. This is what I think is talent in a writer

Invisible gray hairs
are plucked
from you head <<< your **
by the crunching
of a car.

I don't think I understand this line...

I watch your
jaw
drip down <<< Drop down
leaving stains
on your shirt
that remind me
of tender connection.

The term "tender" isn't appropriate here, I think. How about some word related to lust... like "arousing" or something?

Red lips
slide down-your body << A dash isn't required
and bite out
your liver
leaving scars.

Add an adjective before "scars." It might sound even better

I love you
as you laugh
at the gun,
teasing it
till it fires,
leaving me alone
to play with
matches
as I watch
you burn.

And the ending is waaoooww!

Loved your work. Let me know if you write something like this and needs reviewing