Young Writers Society

This is a poem from my NaNo. My character 'wrote' it. Yes, it probably doesn't make sense to you. I'll brief you quickly. Avelyn is the daughter of Hades. She just found out. Enjoy. Pending title. Thanks for reviews and likes!

'Who am I to question, what is written in the stars?
Who am I to wonder, why things have been said in such a way?
Though, I still wonder why you act this way,
hiding such things from me.
I am not a child, floating on a innocent cloud.
I have seen things that have scarred me,
brought my heart to weighted down,
held down and threatened,
made hard and cold.
It should not be so.
But it is,
And sometimes I ask, why should it be so?
Why should I have to submit,
to your selfish wishes?


You say I live in the silver lining?
You have never lived life to it's fullest,
wishing rather to use others to reach your own needs.
Well, I say never again, will I allow you to take control,
Never again will I allow you to take my life by it's ear,
throw it in the corner,
like a child that has misbehaved.
You are not worthy of the thoughts I bestow upon you.
Not worth of the feelings I have for you.
I know in the deepest chamber of my heart,
that I can never truly let you go,
but maybe I can lock thoughts of you away,
lock it with the key to be thrown to the dragon that we call Despair.
It can consume the key with it's fiery tongue, hide it from my grasp forever.
I must not be tempted to retrieve it,
to fall into the dragon's mouth,
As I know it wants me too.
I must not be tempted,
to give in to your wishes,
I must not be tempted by despair and desire,
for they are evil things.

I want to fall in love with fate,
not fall in love with death and decay,
but you seem to be luring me,
into your thoughtless ways.
I do not want to be like you,
the one that hides in darkness,
cloaked by lies.
But you keep drawing me closer,
tempting me with your arms
that will accept me so willingly,
so easy to fall into them.
But I know I must not.

Who am I, you say, to ask this of you?
To ask you to change your ways?
Why, I'm the daughter of the Unseen One,
the daughter of the Dark One, the Rich One.
Why, I can command you, though you call yourself death.
You belong to me.
So if you ever come knocking at my door,
calling for riches,
may I turn you away?
I think I may.
Will I turn you away?
I think I will.

There is no reason to let you control me,
There is no reason to let you see me.
I will never be your slave,
bound in chains of cold lies.
I will break those bonds,
and escape into the endless sky.'

Anna-Spark! I'm here to review! Let's hope I can give you a helpful review because, like I said, I've become so lazy lately. Right.

Why should I have to submit,
to your selfish wishes?

You don't need that comma. It make perfect sense without.

Well, I say, never again, (lose this comma) will I allow you to take control,
Never again will I allow you to take my life by its ear,
throw it in the corner,

Beautiful imagery here! I like how you give 'life' human/animal characteristics and then the simile you use comparing it to a disobedient child.

It can consume the key with its fiery tongue, hide it from my grasp forever.

The dragon has got be my favourite part of the poem! I love the comparison and I think that (and it's just a suggestion) the word 'despair' before this line should be capitalised to give the reader the sensation that it's a metaphor.

I want to fall in love with fate,
not fall in love with death and decay,
but you seem to be luring me,
into your thoughtless ways.

I love this. Favourite part after my love: the dragon.

the one that who hides in darkness,

Why, I'm the daughter of the unseen one,
the daughter of the dark one, the rich one.
Why, I can command you, though you call yourself death.

Again, I will suggest you capitalise 'the Unseen One', 'the Rich One' and 'Death' to make us realise just how much power there is behind these words or the character being described.

Wow, Avelyn is really talented! xD

All in all, I absolutely love this poem because of your imagery: your metaphors are so strong and full of life and your similes build perfect images. Well done Anna-Spark <3. The beauty of this poem is enhanced, also, by the person you are addressing (or Avelyn is addressing). It being in first person and addressing this mysterious 'you' makes it so... so...<33 Yeah. You get it. Basically, I love this and just tweak it up a little with the minor corrections I pointed up there ^.

Love,

Marco.

Hello there, Spark! I'm Rose, and I'll be reviewing this piece today!

Hmm. I'm not sure how I feel about this one. There are some elements that I love about it, while there are others that I can't say that I like. I'll use one of your stanzas to show you what I mean.

'Who am I to question what is written in the stars?
Who am I to wonder why things have been said in such a way?
Though I still wonder why you act this way,
hiding such things from me,
I am not a child, floating on a innocent cloud.
I have seen things that have scarred me,
brought my heart to weighted down,
held down and threatened,
made hard and cold.
It should not be so.
but it is,
And sometimes I ask, why should it be so?
Why should I have to submit,
to your selfish wishes?

Let's tackle the first two lines first. I actually love the first one, but I'm not crazy about the second one, and I'll tell you why. First of all, it doesn't flow like the first line, and secondly, I don't think that it makes sense. "Who am I to wonder why things have been said in such a way?" Well, what way? I don't get it. What are the things, and what way have they been said in? It's just an observation.

On to the next two lines. I don't feel that the word 'though' was appropriately used in the third line. I feel like it would've been better to omit it. Also, I don't like how the third line ends with the word 'way'. It's exactly the same as the first one, and it's not repetitive in a good way. The fourth line is decent. I have no complaints about it.

The fifth line is okay. The sixth line is as well. It's slightly blunt, but maybe that works well with the feelings of your character. The seventh line doesn't make sense. How do you 'bring a heart to weighted down?' I understand what you're trying to say; I have a feeling that you meant to word it differently, though. I like the rest of the first stanza. It isn't incredibly unique, but it's strong and clean.

I saw errors like these throughout the rest of the poem. I would take a little bit of time to revise this piece and truly think about what your character is saying. With revision, this piece could be amazing.

I might sound a tad harsh; I'm sorry if I do. It's just that I like this piece and want to see it rise to its true potential. Always keep writing!

-Rose

Hey! So I really liked this poem, the concept and premise seems very interesting - it's very fascinating that you wrote through your character's eyes, maybe I should try that sometime! Here are some nit-picks and suggestions:
First of all, the rhythym is a bit iffy, maybe work on that - at times it flows nicely as a poem; other times it just seems like a long speech.

'Who am I to question, what is written in the stars?
Who am I to wonder, why things have been said in such a way?
Though, I still wonder why you act this way,
hiding such things from me.

The first line sounds great, but perhaps you could change the repitition of the word "way" in lines 2 and 3.

I have seen things that have scarred me,
brought my heart to weighted down,

The idea and wording of the first line is good, but the "heart weighted down" doesn't quite make sense I don't think.

It should not be so.
But soit is,
And sometimes I ask, why should it be so? why?
Why should I have to submit,
to your selfish wishes?

You say I live in the silver lining? I like how this stanza, too begins with a question
You have never lived life to it's its fullest,
wishing rather to use others to reach your own needs. maybe reword this, a bit confusing
Well, I say never again, will I allow you to take control,
Never again will I allow you to take my life by it's itsear,
throw it in the corner,
like a child that has misbehaved. Nice simile!
You are not worthy of the thoughts I bestow upon you.
Not worth of the feelings I have for you.
I know in the deepest chamber of my heart,
that I can never truly let you go,
but maybe I can lock thoughts of you away,
lock it with the key to be thrown to the dragon that we call Despair.
It can consume the key with it's its fiery tongue, hide it from my grasp forever.
I must not be tempted to retrieve it,
to fall into the dragon's mouth,
As I know it wants me too.
I must not be tempted,
to give in to your wishes,
I must not be tempted by despair and desire,
for they are evil things.

The lines from "I know in the deepest chamber of my heart" are excellent, I have no criticism for them, so well done! Wonderful imagery and metaphors there

I want to fall in love with fate,
not fall in lovewith death and decay,
but you seem to be luring me,
into your thoughtless ways.
I do not want to be like you,
the one that hides in darkness,
cloaked by lies.
But you keep drawing me closer,
tempting me with your arms
that will accept me so willingly,
so easy to fall into them.
But I know I must not.

You described Death's character brilliantly here without giving us something physical or tactile to imagine.

It might sound better if you added "so" in line 2 and maybe cut out the "should it be so" in the line after. More variety, less repitition.

So if you ever come knocking at my door,
calling for riches,
may I turn you away?
I think I may.
Will I turn you away?
I think I will.

I really like this little bit here, has a great kind of flow and repitition works to your advantage here.

There is no reason to let you control me,
There is no reason to let you see me.
I will never be your slave,
bound in chains of cold lies.
I will break those bonds,
and escape into the endless sky.'

The end here was awesome! Overall I really like this poem, the mood, the concept, all were very interesting!
This poem is great as it expresses so many strong feelings, the feelings of your character, which is great. Some stanzas were perfect, some may need a bit of tweaking. Anyway, hope my long review helped! Keep writing!

Hey! So I really liked this poem, the concept and premise seems very interesting - it's very fascinating that you wrote through your character's eyes, maybe I should try that sometime! Here are some nit-picks and suggestions:
First of all, the rhythym is a bit iffy, maybe work on that - at times it flows nicely as a poem; other times it just seems like a long speech.

'Who am I to question, what is written in the stars?
Who am I to wonder, why things have been said in such a way?
Though, I still wonder why you act this way,
hiding such things from me.

The first line sounds great, but perhaps you could change the repitition of the word "way" in lines 2 and 3.

I have seen things that have scarred me,
brought my heart to weighted down,

The idea and wording of the first line is good, but the "heart weighted down" doesn't quite make sense I don't think.

It should not be so.
But soit is,
And sometimes I ask, why should it be so? why?
Why should I have to submit,
to your selfish wishes?

You say I live in the silver lining? I like how this stanza, too begins with a question
You have never lived life to it's its fullest,
wishing rather to use others to reach your own needs. maybe reword this, a bit confusing
Well, I say never again, will I allow you to take control,
Never again will I allow you to take my life by it's itsear,
throw it in the corner,
like a child that has misbehaved. Nice simile!
You are not worthy of the thoughts I bestow upon you.
Not worth of the feelings I have for you.
I know in the deepest chamber of my heart,
that I can never truly let you go,
but maybe I can lock thoughts of you away,
lock it with the key to be thrown to the dragon that we call Despair.
It can consume the key with it's its fiery tongue, hide it from my grasp forever.
I must not be tempted to retrieve it,
to fall into the dragon's mouth,
As I know it wants me too.
I must not be tempted,
to give in to your wishes,
I must not be tempted by despair and desire,
for they are evil things.

The lines from "I know in the deepest chamber of my heart" are excellent, I have no criticism for them, so well done! Wonderful imagery and metaphors there

I want to fall in love with fate,
not fall in lovewith death and decay,
but you seem to be luring me,
into your thoughtless ways.
I do not want to be like you,
the one that hides in darkness,
cloaked by lies.
But you keep drawing me closer,
tempting me with your arms
that will accept me so willingly,
so easy to fall into them.
But I know I must not.

You described Death's character brilliantly here without giving us something physical or tactile to imagine.

It might sound better if you added "so" in line 2 and maybe cut out the "should it be so" in the line after. More variety, less repitition.

So if you ever come knocking at my door,
calling for riches,
may I turn you away?
I think I may.
Will I turn you away?
I think I will.

I really like this little bit here, has a great kind of flow and repitition works to your advantage here.

There is no reason to let you control me,
There is no reason to let you see me.
I will never be your slave,
bound in chains of cold lies.
I will break those bonds,
and escape into the endless sky.'

The end here was awesome! Overall I really like this poem, the mood, the concept, all were very interesting!
This poem is great as it expresses so many strong feelings, the feelings of your character, which is great. Some stanzas were perfect, some may need a bit of tweaking. Anyway, hope my long review helped! Keep writing!